6:03PM: recorded a video which started out as a critique of my body from top to bottom (forget if i’ve mentioned, i’ve been making videos periodically as i’ve been losing weight to see progress and note what ‘needs improvement’ and…just…i don’t know, this whole thing is embarrassing a little, to me). had been thinking ‘i’ll stay up all night and then i can be ‘zany sleepless person’ at the party, i usually like myself more and worry less/feel less self-conscious when i haven’t slept. started dreading party and dreading un-responded-to texts. ate 800mg choline, 800mg aniracetam and then 20mg adderall xr. talked in the video like…in this way, i’ve been doing…i’ve been making long videos of me talking, which i almost rarely re-watch. just feels nice to think ‘something 100% nonjudgmental is listening to me (even though it’s not really listening, it doesn’t really ‘need’ to be listening for me to get the effect i like from it).’ ate an orange. seems very unstable, the ‘making of’ this video and the things i talked about, even though i can’t remember most of what i said. just…the fact that a person would want to do this. gotta stop getting down on myself about stuff like this, it just makes it worse (aware of repeating myself…i think). concluded it was okay to not go to the party or respond to texts, i could tell chelsea in person or email her that i’m ‘in a dark place’ and not wanting to be social, feel like she would understand. still seems shitty of me. i don’t know. for most of the video i’m just wearing a bra and underpants. talked about a lot. covered a lot of bullshit topics. haven’t watched all the way through but i’m pretty sure i’m talking almost constantly, or like, maybe taking 30-90 second breaks. i was thinking ‘you’re always thinking, just transition the thinking into talking, make there be as little transition as possible from thought to language.’ early-on in video i noticed that in this, and in other videos, i’ll get distracted and leave a topic or story mid-topic/story to focus on the distraction, which leads to more distractions. a ‘reoccuring theme’ in this video was…jesus this is hard to type. hard to figure out words. i wanted to allow myself to get distracted by [whatever] and then eventually go back and finish all the things i started. think it worked, i finished all or most things. felt interested in doing this at the time, like ‘this will be a documented example of the nonlinear way thoughts bounce around in my head, seems sort of like what happens in novels, things keep reoccurring, with a novel you know the author is intentionally making things reoccur but when you’re just thinking/talking it feels like you’re not in control of the reoccurring, but it’s the same thing.’ cried less in this video than the six-hour video from july 2/3 i started to transcribe. at some point shirley peed on the mattress pad and i yelled and freaked out at her, like made her smell the pee and said ‘no’ sternly. then, on a website, i read that cats don’t understand negative reinforcement, they just learn to be afraid of who/whatever yelled at them. felt like the worst person. bad. actually i took longer breaks towards the end, during ‘cleaning cat pee’ time and ‘nurturing shirley and giving her treats so she’d feel less afraid’ time. removed peed-on mattress pad and replaced it with a yoga mat and sat there. shirley acted cautious and like she wanted to be left alone.