4:08PM: mom offered me half her bagel. talked about the pros and cons of going outside. she left a little while ago to go to bed bath & beyond to get ‘a toilet thing’ for dad’s office. forgot i’m having dinner with dad tonight. feeling strange. answered ask.fm questions. have been reading about aliens on the internet. drank 12oz sugar-free red bull and maybe three cups coffee but feel only up to ‘barely normal’ levels of processing/functioning. looks like it’s going to rain, there is thunder.

5:01pm: in car now. Guess I’m driving to Frederick. Attorney’s office called, I called them back, coming in tomorrow. Ate 10mg adderall to improve mood. Receiving concerta shipment this week. Comforted by this, like this is my ‘cushion.’ Now looks like too much traffic going to Frederick. Now too much traffic in the new direction I’m going. I’ll go to Towson.

5:24pm: I’m going to a goodwill I like in Westminster. Keep thinking about this ask.fm question I was asked, about how exciting and scary as hell it would be to have my consciousness reformed into a computer living forever

Eternal consciousness

I believe in that anyway kind of

Things I don’t think people would think I believe in:

God

Existence of souls

Hm. Guess that’s it. Sounds stereotypical or whatever but I attribute belief in both of these things to experiences with dmt and transcendental meditation. Also just doesn’t make sense for those things not to exist, in some way. Person in jeep behind me just skidded to avoid collision. I’m in front of a jeep too.

I think of god as like ‘my little buddy’

Like when I’m alone in my head there’s also this other awareness

Existential awareness…has something to do with how I suddenly started existing…since I was a kid, have felt this. Like it’s not just me in here

Could also be schizophrenic

I mean I know it’s just me/my voice/ego/internal monologue in here

The thing I’m talking about is more of a feeling

Like I wouldn’t be feeling it if I wasn’t alive

Hard to describe

Aware I might be making this up as a ‘coping with mortality’ defense mechanism

So there’s that doubt thing

Kierkegaard…the leap of faith thing…

Felt impacted by that essay in 2010 philosophy class

Crazy how much better I feel on just a little bit of adderall

The difference is astounding

Adderall: the difference is astounding

The difference: simply astounding

Make a difference: the adderall difference (a different difference!)

The adderall difference, by Stephen Elliott

God is just farming me out to…it’s like, being paid by a pharmaceutical company. I’m an adderall ad paid for by god

Prove to me that’s not true

I’m walking in to goodwill now