Dr. Abrams knocked and entered and without saying hi (I like that about her) started saying a thing about how there was no sense ‘putting me through misery’ with another pap smear since it wasn’t likely that my body would’ve changed much in six months, but ‘let me tell you why I still want to do it—so we can have a complete record.’ thought she would be pushing the colposcopy on me big time, like last time. She said she hoped my body had taken care of it and that I should take 1mg folic acid every day. We talked about juicing and smoothies. She recommended blending, not juicing, which Tao also recommended. She said she makes an almond milk, Greek yogurt, kale, raspberry drink that is ‘supposed to energize, but I don’t know,’ while feeling my breasts. She motioned for me to lie back with my hands behind my head and I did. She handled my right arm and I remembered upside-down cross tattoo on my side that she maybe somehow didn’t know about and her envisioning me as ‘the devil.’ she said ‘now are these real, or are they the ones you peel off?’ I said they were real. Thought she was maybe indirectly alluding to my aversion to colposcopy pain/refusal to endure pain she probably views as minor. She said ‘what happens when you know, you don’t want to see it there anymore? When you want to take one off?’ I said ‘you know, I don’t like how some of them look anymore but it’s still nice to see them and be like, ‘I was there in that moment.” she made a face like she understood and told me to scoot down and put my feet in the stirrups. She said she was friends with a girl who was in the Olympics and had an Olympics tattoo on her back that ‘actually looked very nice.’ I asked her if the girl placed. She said she did, she would’ve gotten a bronze medal but since the girl from China ahead of her lied about her age she was disqualified and she got the silver medal instead. Thought ‘there is no way…no wait doctors are the same level as people in the Olympics, they could know each other somehow.’ Felt conscious of my potential crotch smell and watched her looking at my crotch and saying things about the Olympics, trying to discern if her face meant I smelled or looked bad. She inserted speculum and I felt something widen and my knees reflexively draw together but I remembered to keep them far apart. I asked about the Chinese girl who was disqualified. She said ‘and you know how they found out? Facebook.’ felt afraid, like she knew about my Facebook and was maybe inventing this entire thing as some kind of obscure warning-parable about how I shouldn’t talk about this on the internet. She inserted two q-tip swab things and I felt ‘the tickle’ and squirmed a little while trying to look ‘normal’/attentive about a tangential story about how that year they figured out they had mis-measured the uneven bars, and the bronze girl’s coach was so upset he walked out before the Olympics were over. I said ‘whoa, he just walked out.’ She made a face and said ‘yah. At the Olympics, he walked out.’ one of her hands had two fingers in my vagina and the other hand was gently feeling around my lower abdomen. I said ‘well, that’s the Olympics.’ She nodded and said ‘now I’m going to do your rectal,’ and tried to insert a finger, then made a face looking down like ‘technical difficulties’ and said ‘oop.’ Then it went in. I said ‘that’s a funny moment, ‘that’s the Olympics.” she smiled like ‘I’m maybe not supposed to smile’ and I wanted to ‘egg her on.’ Remembered my first visit when I was 18 when I said ‘I bet you feel like you’re doing muppets all day, like, you’re Jim Henson and I’m Kermit’ and she reacted similarly.