2:40am: peed, ate two Tylenol for headache, saw package from Austin (payment for doing spacedads spreecast reading) on my bed. Package was expertly packed, like the most intricate packaging I’ve ever unpackaged.

Also was expecting just one or two pills, he sent me 16, wide variety. What to do.

2:53AM: ate 60mg vyvanse. i’m not going to do the thing where i type what i remember of yesterday here, i’m either going to fill in with as much detail in order, or leave things blank.

10:37AM: pretty convincing fake 2:53AM update, huh? as you can see i was trying to cover my tracks in a way that…would lead to…i don’t know. i was setting a scene for you. trying to make that one easy for you. it’s probably true, i was thinking things like 2:53AM all night. i got in a vyvanse hole bigtime.

a little earlier the gyno office called to see if i could come in early, at 12:20PM. thought ‘i don’t want to go earlier but if i agree to then maybe she won’t find cancer in me.’ i told laura i could come in at 12:20. doorbell rang a few minutes later. it was a package from UPS. watched the truck drive away. something mom had ordered from HSN. walked up stairs and thought ‘mom will be the saddest if i have cancer, sadder than me, ‘don’t have cancer’ just for mom, i don’t want to have it either, the thing the gyno wanted to re-do to me is a scam, it planted the idea in my head and cancer grows from ideas maybe, i don’t want health to be bad i just got other stuff a little good shit shit shit.’

10:48AM: i’m on the balcony. it’s very sunny and 58 degrees but i’m wearing hot pink winter coat anyway. mom’s downstairs neighbor (old man who i can sometimes hear singing operatically) stood on the sidewalk maybe 30’ from me and mumbled something, staring in the same direction i’m facing. he walked on the sidewalk until he was under me, then walked to the edge of the woods, staring upwards. heard him say ‘schtoopy’ but no other words. he seemed to be directly addressing a tree. nodded/acknowledged each other at different times as he walked in the direction he came.