6:31am: it’s 63 degrees. Sky looks pretty. I’m sitting in my car, smoking. Mom was awake when I went outside. Ate 10mg adderall. One week ago at this time I had just arrived at dad’s apartment from helping zachary move to new jersey. Two weeks ago at this time I was alone in Philadelphia apartment and had probably just fallen asleep after putting all knives/sharp objects/keys/phone under my pillow and would wake in the afternoon and it would be baby’s day out. Three weeks ago at this time I was smoking two cigarettes on mom’s balcony re-reading things I had written earlier that night on heroin and said ‘FFFF’ to scare away a noise I heard from the woods. Four weeks ago at this time I don’t remember at all. Even though those things aren’t the best memories of my life I’m glad I wrote them down because I wouldn’t remember otherwise. I don’t know why that feels good. Guess it’s just like ‘hey, I was there, it happened, it’s not that different than now, it’s not something to idealize.’ but I still idealize it. Smoking second cigarette. Woman with backpack is approaching and I’m typing this to avoid eye contact.

7:27AM: made kale/cantaloupe smoothie and drank fast. told mom it had been three weeks since we watched ‘the master.’ she had curlers in her hair and the balcony door was open. she said she wished she had been writing down things about her sophomore year of college, when she lived in a dorm with six girls who were ‘always laughing,’ and so could remember more now. the only thing she remembered, she said, was making fake poop out of peanut butter and bird seed to put on a toilet and leaving ‘an artful trail out the bathroom door.’ she laughed as she told the story and sometimes said ‘it’s not even funny.’ i said it was funny.

9:29AM: sitting on balcony. obsessively checking all online things. writing this to stop feeling obsessive. ate maybe 20mg adderall maybe 20 minutes ago. have yet to feel effects. things i’ve searched on youtube: ‘learning how to speak english conversation,’ ‘how to speak english,’ ‘how to be less depressed.’ watched a tim and eric thing about going to the ‘shrek 3’ premiere. funny.

THINGS I REMEMBER HEARING ON TV, AS I REMEMBER HEARING THEM:

•  this is a story about how seven strangers lived together in a house where they stop being polite and start getting real

•  because you hear it [DJ record scratching] first

•  the touch, the feel, of cotton: the fabric of our lives [sung in a certain way]

•  pow pow power wheels

•  crossfire you get caught up in the crossfire you get caught up in the crossfire you get caught up in the