They’re not going to cut down that tree. Not if she can help it.

18

Hard to Forgive

Since going in the sea on Saturday, Maddy has felt different. It feels as if she’s had a small re-set and it occurs to her that she’s never had this kind of time before – this pause to get a bit of perspective. Her days at home are usually filled with the myriad of things that need her attention: the fault in the driveway bricks, the squeaky garage door, the leaky pump on the Jacuzzi and the security light that floods the garden with light in the small hours, but it’s a relief to be away from all that stuff and to take an objective view. Not that many answers are forthcoming.

Manpreet was grateful that she’d been paid at last, but Maddy had to have an embarrassing conversation about how she can’t afford her any more. It feels scary going it alone without her encouraging prompts.

Before Christmas, Maddy had been on such a roll, fully focused on growing the numbers on Instagram, but without being in the home her channels are dedicated to, she’s running dry on ideas. Going through old photos to re-post from a different angle only makes her realise how much time she’s spent focusing on the wrong things. Surely instead of making bespoke stair rods from salvaged copper pipes, she should have been looking for her son, or noticing what her husband was up to?

Trent has progressed from being whiney and upset to aggressive and nasty in their exchanges, especially when she requested that he give her a full breakdown of their financial situation. He’s always assured her that he has everything under control when it comes to money. But now she knows she can’t trust him, she’s worried about the future she’s always taken so much for granted. With a sinking sense of dread, she keeps thinking back to some of the hints he made before Christmas, some half-conversations that she ignored because she was preoccupied with getting her posts ready. But now she wants to know just how much trouble his business is in. She’s always thought of herself as well-off, but the empty account came as a shock. Trent has made her believe that everything is going to come good, but what if it doesn’t? And what if he’s been making contingency plans all this time to leave her for Helen?

What then? Would she have enough to live independently? It occurs to her now that she should have been more savvy. It’s never crossed her mind to consult a lawyer, but she knows enough from the details of the bruising divorces that some of her friends have been through, that she should have made Trent leave the family home. She should have thrown him out, but she’d been so cross, she’d had to get away. But in hindsight, perhaps that had been rather a reckless move.

Earlier this week, on one of their swims, Dominica suggested online marriage counselling, but Maddy doesn’t want to rake over their marriage with a stranger. What’s the point? She can never – and will never – forgive him. Even so, having the moral high ground is a little lonely. She can’t help feeling that it would feel a little less precarious if she had the moral high ground from the comfort of her own home.