I waited till his eyes flicked away for a second, then grabbed for the scissors, holding them close. I walked the few steps to Alex. I put my hand on his arm first, and he must have thought I was going to hug him, kiss him even, forgive him for what he’d done, because for a second I saw relief bloom in his eyes. Then it faded into shock as he clawed at the scissors sticking out of his neck, right over the carotid artery.

Casey

Casey

OCTOBER 2000

‘Shhh, Carson. Shh, baby.’

It was too hot for him. I was always forgetting you couldn’t be outside in Los Angeles so much of the time. The heat, the pollution, made people stay inside, living as if underground. The porches were decorated with gaping pumpkins and spider webs, surreal in the blazing sun. The street was entirely deserted, not a car, not a child playing football, not a person tending their garden. That was all done by low-paid Latino gardeners. Not even they were out in the sun today. It was just me and the baby against my chest, warm and heavy. I had my phone in the pocket of my shorts, but who could I call for help? I had tried everyone I could think of, and no one had come through for me. There was nothing else to do. I would have to take the baby home and face what was going on there.

And then what? How much did Abby know? How David and I had started taking Carson places, just the three of us? I liked to pretend we were a family sometimes, but it wasn’t what I wanted, not really. How he stood so close to me in the kitchen, brushed his body against mine. How he held my gaze, searching my eyes for some promise I’d never made. And I knew it, too, but I had ignored it, because I was so lonely, and the comfort of his gaze and the hungry look in his eyes when I bent over were all I had to keep me company. Because he told me all the time that he couldn’t live without me, and though I knew from Jenna’s lessons that men never meant this, part of me still fantasised about running away with him and Carson, buying a beach cottage up the coast. A new life, where I didn’t have to be Casey the nanny or even Casey the aspiring actress. Where I could just be myself.

I shouldn’t have gone out. It was too hot to go for a walk, even just a short way down the street, even before noon. I was already exhausted, the heat almost crushing me into the pavement – sidewalk – sending me off balance. Carson was lethargic too, grizzling in my arms, his skin warm. At least I’d thought to bring his hat, but I’d forgotten one for myself.