Had she actually said she was coming? I knew she had some money saved up, planning to retire to the seaside one day and open a café, but would she spend that on me, on a last-minute flight across the Atlantic? I needed a good lawyer and, in America, that cost a fortune. The flight alone would be expensive, but I needed my mother here, as inadequate as she was. She was all I had. What if I walked into that courtroom and saw not a single friendly face, just people who had decided already that I looked the type who could smother a child? A child I’d cared for. Washed her urine-soaked pyjamas. Cut her apple into the shape of a fan. If only Carson could speak, he’d tell them what he’d seen. I kept reliving the moment, over and over. I was in shock. Trauma. Just three days ago, three days I had spent mostly in the windowless basement of a police station, telling them again and again I was innocent. Reliving that final day.

‘Adams, come on.’

I snapped back to the present. The guard was jangling his keys. I sipped the rest of the warm water and tried to focus. Say you didn’t do it, I repeated to myself. Just say you know nothing and you’ll be all right.

Rachel

Rachel

Juddering home on the bus from town, still puzzling over Alison Harper’s information, my phone pinged. I had an email in my newly set-up account. I hated that, the way I’d been drawn into this world I had successfully avoided for so many years, responding to noises like Pavlov’s dogs. A world where you could never truly make a fresh start. Already there was a mountain of spam in my inbox, and I wondered how that worked, how the internet had figured out that I’d stirred into life.

Hello, Rachel, wrote Jochem cheerfully. I have found out what happened to José and Marietta from your case. I am afraid to say they have both also passed away these past few years.

Oh. Well, that wasn’t so surprising. They had both been at least in their fifties at the time of the murders. Still, it was another dead end, and I felt a sad twinge that two more people were gone without me ever making peace with them, atoning for what I’d done to them without meaning it.

He went on: However, I have noticed the same poster looking for you on different forums. Always they use the name BB2000. I do not know what this means but this is a person who has been trying to find your location for several years now. I would advise you to be careful, Rachel. I had seen this person posting too. If they were looking for me on more than one forum, they must be serious about finding me. But who could it be?