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Back I Know What I Saw
Chapters (59)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for I Know What I Saw
  3. By the Same Author
  4. Dedication Page
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  54. Now read on for a preview
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  59. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

The cold is like a soaked cloak around my shoulders. I draw my lapels close and hurry out of the park. Once I cross the road I look for somewhere I can spend the night away from people and traffic. There is a lamp post with a white-painted cycle tethered to it and dead flowers in its spokes. Some poor sod died on this grubby road on his or her way somewhere before a whole life and all its arrangements was brutally stamped out.

I think of Rory until a drop of rain brings me to myself. Finding a place to bed down for even just one night requires careful thought. I avoid anywhere within a throw of a pub and I avoid high-traffic areas. And then to escape the worst of the weather, I look for a narrow alleyway or small side street that is sheltered from the rain – and then sit there for a few minutes. Some of these alleys are wind tunnels and it’s not always easy to identify them immediately. And then there is the question of supplies. The deep recess of an office block is one thing, but without insulation it’s not much use. I start by finding a convenience shop with bedding – sleeves of cardboard waiting to be taken away – and then I search for the right ‘room’ in which to lay it down.

This shop is ideal. There are long sheets of cardboard propped up against a commercial bin. I select the driest pieces and also grab the end of a large roll of foil – just enough for a few strips. I have been here before, I think. There are large recycling bins at the entrance to the nearest alleyway, which I remember has out-of-date food from the shop. In the alley I lay the sheeting down in layers against a wall before rolling myself into the leaves.

As soon as I shut my eyes, I am back there with Rory. I do feel as though I killed him. That he was pushed, and didn’t simply fall. My confession pushed him as he stood teetering over the edge. I feel him now in my arms, crying.

I curl up tighter and try and order my thoughts. Ebadi. How did I let him do what he did? I replay it in my head to understand the moment of my indecision because I need to know when I decided not to act. The thought exhausts me as it tumbles through my head. I’m so tired I’m not certain I know where the house is any more. The wind has picked up and suddenly I am aware of the cold again. How quickly I got used to comfort. Now, I am dreading the onset of night.

24

Monday