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Chapters (59)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for I Know What I Saw
  3. By the Same Author
  4. Dedication Page
  5. 1
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  54. Now read on for a preview
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  59. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

‘Thirty years, Seb. All this time I have been – been searching for her in some way. How could you have known and not said?’

‘Because,’ he says and then sighs and relaxes back into his chair again. ‘Because you already knew.’

33

Wednesday

I am lying on the floor of the bedroom. The bed has been upturned and all the covers have been removed in the police search. But I would have slept on the floor anyway. My mind feels as dirty and stained as my body.

I knew. When he said that, I looked into his eyes and searched for the slightest flicker or hesitation, but there was none. I knew. I must have known. If he says it to me I have to trust him. I can’t trust my battered recollection over his, over anybody’s, recollection any longer. I’m not sure what to do with my anger. It’s ricocheting around my mind searching for a home, a target. I breathe to try and ground the rage.

To be without memory is to be cut away from yourself. I feel adrift, and the realisation that in those wiped-out days and months, I did things – could have done things – terrifies me. I can’t move under the weight of the possibility.

My throat tightens, and I gasp for air. Slowly, as if through straws, it comes. It whistles into my lungs and after a few minutes of thin, meagre air, I can stand. I make my way along the landing and find a door and push. The darkness is oppressive so I switch on the light.

‘Oh—’

‘I’m sorry, Seb. I can’t sleep,’ I say.

‘It’s okay,’ he says, and pulls himself up against the pillows. He looks at me and waits for me to speak. There is the scent of wood and cologne in the air here, soothing.

‘Tell me about it again.’

He sighs sadly. ‘Grace?’

I nod. ‘What happened to her.’

He collects himself first. ‘It was awful,’ he says, rubbing his eyes. ‘Nina raised the alarm when she didn’t hear from her after Christmas. I mean, we all thought she’d decided to stay in the Philippines for a couple of extra weeks.’

‘What made you think that?’ I say.

‘I don’t know, Xander. The new boyfriend maybe. And you know how she could be when it came to all that spiritualism stuff she was always into. So we thought she was still there.’ He stops and pauses for breath. ‘Anyway, it was a shock when they discovered her, in that state.’

I sink to my knees. I know what state that was. I was there. I must have been there. It was Grace I was looking at, the wine creeping up her blouse.