BooksBarbecue
Back I Know What I Saw Save as PDF
Chapters (59)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for I Know What I Saw
  3. By the Same Author
  4. Dedication Page
  5. 1
  6. 2
  7. 3
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. 8
  13. 9
  14. 10
  15. 11
  16. 12
  17. 13
  18. 14
  19. 15
  20. 16
  21. 17
  22. 18
  23. 19
  24. 20
  25. 21
  26. 22
  27. 23
  28. 24
  29. 25
  30. 26
  31. 27
  32. 28
  33. 29
  34. 30
  35. 31
  36. 32
  37. 33
  38. 34
  39. 35
  40. 36
  41. 37
  42. 38
  43. 39
  44. 40
  45. 41
  46. 42
  47. 43
  48. 44
  49. 45
  50. 46
  51. 47
  52. 48
  53. 49
  54. Now read on for a preview
  55. 1
  56. 2
  57. 3
  58. 4
  59. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I walk quickly down the stairs and pause at a mirror by the front door. I peel away the plaster from my face. In less than a day, I have become reborn. Almost thirty years of living have been wiped out with cotton and wool and a bath. Except inside, where I know the layers are tougher and the marks run more deeply.

12

Thursday

In these clothes I can visit the places that my ordinary life prevents me from accessing. I walk into the grounds of the Dulwich Picture Gallery, pulling the velvet collar of my coat to my face. I think I’m here because I need a kind of privileged space to think in peace and comfort. Walking liberates me. It frees me from the oppression of stasis and that feeling of being locked in with myself. But when I move across open space, it’s as if the locks come undone and I can bear to be with myself a little longer. The longer I am free, the easier I find my shadow as company. I’m less fraught, less … chemically volatile.

I wonder about what the police said about this man, Squire. Those pictures showed him as pretty badly attacked. He wasn’t when I saw him though, was he? I’m sure they’ve made a mistake arresting me for it. I would have remembered doing that or anything like that to him. But then, do the police arrest people for no reason at all? Though they do have targets and clear-up rates and papers to think about. Or is there another reason that they arrested me? Could I have lost time, like I did at the hospital? But even if I had, I wouldn’t have blocked the whole thing out, something would have stayed with me. I look around the grounds and feel some satisfaction at coming to this place to reason everything out in peace. It’s only when I’m near the café that I realise that we came here once before, Grace and I.

We worked long hours in the City, both of us, occasionally working through till dawn. When we pulled those all-nighters, they’d give us time off in lieu, and on those precious days we made a tradition of heading into south London for some green. It wasn’t quite the idyll of Cambridge, but it was leafy and philosophically a hundred miles away from our north-of-the-river home. It meant different things to each of us. For Grace being out here met her spiritual needs. ‘The grass, walking on it, is grounding,’ she’d said. ‘It takes up all those free electrons floating about. And in Buddhist philosophy—’