BooksBarbecue
Back I Know What I Saw
Chapters (59)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise for I Know What I Saw
  3. By the Same Author
  4. Dedication Page
  5. 1
  6. 2
  7. 3
  8. 4
  9. 5
  10. 6
  11. 7
  12. 8
  13. 9
  14. 10
  15. 11
  16. 12
  17. 13
  18. 14
  19. 15
  20. 16
  21. 17
  22. 18
  23. 19
  24. 20
  25. 21
  26. 22
  27. 23
  28. 24
  29. 25
  30. 26
  31. 27
  32. 28
  33. 29
  34. 30
  35. 31
  36. 32
  37. 33
  38. 34
  39. 35
  40. 36
  41. 37
  42. 38
  43. 39
  44. 40
  45. 41
  46. 42
  47. 43
  48. 44
  49. 45
  50. 46
  51. 47
  52. 48
  53. 49
  54. Now read on for a preview
  55. 1
  56. 2
  57. 3
  58. 4
  59. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

He wiped his face with his sleeve and as it came away, I saw him for a second as he was when he was a boy. Flushed and enquiring. Innocent.

‘I want you to know,’ he said then, holding my arms across the table. ‘He didn’t touch me.’

‘I know,’ I said.

And then I saw him collapse. From inside the eyes, collapsing all the way down.

23

Sunday

There are tears running down my face. I am in the park still and I am crying, but now there is laughter breaking through. It isn’t funny but I can’t cling on to the present and I need to. Has my time at Seb’s house done something to me, blunted the sharpness that I had and had to have to stay alive outside? The day is ending and the best thing to do now is to wait out the night somewhere close. And then, just like that, those two imperatives chime as one. Tonight, I’ll sleep out.

There was a man once who built an underground home here in the park. He collected cement and timber and dug ten feet down into the soil in a copse and made a bunker. The rumour was that he stayed undetected for ten years. It never crossed my mind to do that. The point for me was not to be enclosed – even amongst all this space.

I head out of the park and disassemble the strategy I have decided upon. To bypass the alarm I need a key or I need Ebadi to neglect to set it. I don’t have a key and I can’t wait for him to forget his alarm. So this is the only thing I can do. The woman died cruelly. My mind wants to hold me responsible for some part of that cruelty and to punish me. But my psyche hasn’t understood that about me – that I accept the cruelty. The cruelty was always there and has never been punished.

It was an act of cruelty on my part to make Rory suffer. There are no loose, unguarded comments. I knew what I was doing when I said that to him and what the consequences were. Suffering. It was deliberately inflicted. At some visceral level I wanted him to feel it.

But I misjudged how quickly he would fall.

There are no people left in the park. The wardens have begun their rounds in their little green cars and have shepherded everyone out and are now heading north to the other end of the park.