There are things I have to do and I don’t know how much time I have. The sky is darkened ink and there is no moon. Its absence feels personal, as if the moon has been plucked out of the sky to shame me.

I head quickly back, but even marching at double time and taking a bus part of the way, it still takes over an hour. By the time I reach Seb’s door, dawn has begun to appear. After slipping off my shoes at the door, I tiptoe quietly up the stairs to bed.

I drop into a dark and dreamless sleep.

Morning light washes through the curtains but I shut my eyes against it. There is too much now going on in my head to be distracted by light. I need more sleep. My body and my pounding head crave it. When I wake again much later, shards of so many colliding dreams are still sticking to me that I feel groggy and disorientated. I head for the bathroom and run a bath, using bubble bath to dampen the sound of water against enamel as it fills.

I climb in and as soon as the water swaddles me, it is as if everything in my mind that isn’t ordered or clear is jettisoned into the tub. As my body becomes cleaner, my head clears, too.

I stayed there. When I was lying broken on the street, she, my love, ma belle, appeared and offered me shelter. And I took it. I slept, there on that silken carpet, for days, maybe. I was there.

I saw her come in. With him.

She’d surprised me.

Perhaps I slept there behind that sofa out of sight as the fire warmed my bones dry. Maybe they argued and he left. I made that noise, and he, alerted to me, left. And then she turned to see me. We argued. I was stalking her. I disgusted her. I would have reminded her that I loved her and that I would have done anything for her. Reminded her that she loved me. That she gave me a key. I would have reminded her about the record – that she still played it, still cherished it. And something was said or done to make me fling it. I can see it now, breaking in two. Did I strike her then? And did I then stand over her and lose control? It feels likely now. That I watched myself, as if disembodied, as my anger flooded into her, and rage took me over. As everything reddened before my eyes.