Before I can find any words through the rush of love I feel for him, a knock at the door makes us both jump. ‘Shall I go?’ he asks, and I nod, following just behind him. Slowly, he opens the door wide. ‘Come in,’ he says, reaching out his hand. He turns to face me, reaching out for me with his other hand. ‘Susan,’ he says, pulling me closer. ‘This is my mum.’ I look at the woman who raised him, who took on the job I could never have done. ‘It’s a pleasure to meet you, Susan,’ she says, politely, squeezing my hand. ‘Rhys has told me so much about you. It’s lovely to put a face to the name.’ And I instantly know where his warmth comes from.

‘The pleasure is all mine,’ I say. ‘Truly.’

I take in the moment, feeling a sense of what is in the air. As Rhys guides Michelle into the house too, with a soft kiss on her cheek, I realise I am surrounded by love, and a family I never dreamed I might have. And with that comes strength. And a future that, thanks to a combination of Kat and Rhys, I now realise I deserve.

James will be here soon, with his wife and daughter.

The summer was indeed a long one.

I’m so grateful I was here to see it.

A Note From Anna

Hello!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my debut, I really hope you’ve enjoyed it. It’s been a long time in the making and I’ve learnt loads in the editing process.

In case you’re interested, I wanted to share how the idea for this novel came about. I’ve long been interested in the idea that some people ‘opt out’ of life. I don’t mean physically, necessarily, but often just emotionally. They plough on from day to day but don’t live it. Like James says in the novel, ‘living and breathing doesn’t mean [Susan] survived, just that she [was] alive. It’s not the same thing.’ That idea really interests me. What makes us feel we aren’t deserving of the very best in life? What happens to stop us wanting to make the most of every chance life can offer?

And then there are those who do opt out physically. Those who feel they can no longer go on. I once knew a man who was possibly the most beautiful, generous and intelligent spirit I’ve ever met. A real giver with the kindest heart and the most forgiving nature. The day I heard he’d taken his own life, I was devastated. I couldn’t understand how someone so generous could not work out how to forgive himself.

The only way I could rationalise it was to believe that, perhaps, taking the choice he did was actually his greatest act of self-forgiveness. He couldn’t continue as he was, and he valued himself enough to put an end to his innate sadness. That those around him couldn’t make a difference was the hardest lesson to learn, but the truth was, only he could ever have made the change. And I believe that is true of us all.