The pain drew me inside of myself that day. When guttural pushing became a sharp intake of breath, I saw the briefest picture of what life could become, and I was too afraid to face it. It was a split-second choice, maybe not even that long. I was as much inside of my soul as out, looking down on myself from above. And so I found a way to live: inside, above and hidden, all at the same time.

My duty is done. The debts owed were repaid when I laid my parents to rest. I kept my shame. They escaped the secret. It’s clear to me now that I’m surplus.

I faltered, here. I almost believed in the care she gave me. I almost believed in him. But the reality is that I’m not the person any of them need. I don’t have the strength to face this. They are better off without me, and that is the only truth I can face.I reach for the book of fairy tales, to do for the last time what I have done almost every night since that first: I read a bedtime story for the child I left behind. Tomorrow, I will leave.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

KAT

Stretching tension out of my arms and back as I walk through the gate from the flats in to the park, I look up to the clouds and pull my coat around me tightly. My phone rings again. His tone. Daniel. That’s the third time this morning. I pull my phone out of my pocket and, after waiting a few seconds, relent. A part of me is intrigued by his uncharacteristic insistence.

‘Daniel.’

‘Kat, are you okay? I’ve called a few times.’

‘I know.’

‘Oh. Right.’ It’s reassuring to hear him cough, as though squirming, down the line. ‘So, good to see you last night.’

‘Was it?’ I ask, stopping in my tracks. A runner jogs past me, her ponytail swinging with each step she takes.

‘Well, yes. I mean, I know… It was good to see you out, I mean.’ He coughs again, his voice breaking as he tries to pick up the conversation, regain some control like he always used to. And that’s when I realise my devastation is slowly being replaced with disgust. ‘Was it… a date?’ he mumbles.

‘Would it matter if it was?’

‘Well, I just…’

I shake my head, searching the sky for divine intervention as the last five years of my life suddenly drop in to place.

‘How far along is she, Daniel?’

‘It’s complicated,’ he answers.

‘Complicated! How complicated a question is that? Unless you aren’t the father!’ As I say it, I suddenly wonder if I’m right. Have I made the mother of incorrect assumptions? Is this the moment I learn the truth and we can begin to work past it?‘No, it is mine, it’s just…’Of course it is. For a second, he almost had me again. I almost gave in. The realisation of the hold he has over me propels me to pick up the pace. Head down. Refusing to let these tears escape, because he doesn’t deserve them. ‘I have to go,’ I say. ‘Kat, I’m sorry, I… You…’ There’s a voice in the background that stops him. I hear her ask him who’s on the phone. She sounds like I did every time his phone rang: suspicious. He gives her some flannel about a work call, just like he always did with me, and I pull the phone away from my ear, take a deep breath and hang up.