she says. Her lips don’t move.

You know what kind of trouble

I can get into from that?

I wish I had saved it,

I say,

my voice getting louder.

Something grows in me

so big that I think

I will pop with it

if I don’t let it out.

But I do.

I holler at Momma,

I wish I had shouted

what I read

to everyone. I wish

everyone in the world

knew how crazy you are.

Momma

squeezes a tight hold on me,

pinching at my arms.

She backs me up,

until I am pinned and pressed

close and

hard and

tight against the wall.

I am not crazy,

she says.

Her teeth are tight when she speaks.

I am not crazy.

Don’t you ever say that to me again.

I look at my momma

standing there in her

too-tight clothes and smelling

her breath that’s like sour beer.

I look at her makeup,

smeared under her eyes,

and her face strained with anger.

I remember how,

when I was little,

I had thought she was pretty.

The prettiest momma in all the world.

Now everything about her is

ugly.

And I wonder,

will I ever feel the same

about her again?

I hate you,

I say.

My voice is low and angry.

I hate you for

what you did to

my sister.

Where is that diary?

Momma says,

bringing her face close to mine,

her words on my skin.

I turn away from her,

then squirm free.

She grabs my hair,

jerking me back.

I swing out at her,

missing.

For a moment I think

she will tear at my skin

with her teeth she’s so mad,

but she just shouts,

Where?

I told you,

I shout back.

I told you

I threw it down the river.

I threw it down the river.

It’s gone.

I jerk free with a shake

and push her away.

You make me sick,

I say.

I run then,

from her,

from the house.

109.

Me and Lizzie

Me and Lizzie

Me and Lizzie.

Shhh.

Hush, baby,

hush now.

Shhhh.

110.

I stop running

just long enough to grab

the damp diary from the mailbox

where it waits,

hiding.

I tuck it into my shorts

so it can’t be seen if

Momma drives past,

looking for me.

Then I start a slow walk

to

Mari’s.

Night is a deep dark by now

and the moon

is up good in the sky.

I’ve been walking

for just a few minutes

when I hear it.

Momma’s car

coming in my direction.

With a start I run into a

stand of trees that grows

close to the edge of the road

and throw myself on the ground.

A few moments later

the headlights round the curve and

Momma and the car appear.

Looking.

Looking for me.

Hope,

she calls from the car window.

Hope. Let’s go see Lizzie.

Her voice is so different

I almost do not recognize it.

Who is she?

My heart thumps