my backpack on my

bed, turning to

Liz.

Why?

Liz was angry,

really angry.

I was at Mari’s,

I said.

It was a sleepover.

Her face went red and I saw

tears come into her

eyes.

She walked up close to me.

So close I could

see where her bottom teeth

overlapped

just a bit.

Her voice was a fat whisper.

You,

she said, pointing

right in my face,

you

are

always

gone.

For the rest of the day,

no matter how hard

I tried to get her to,

Lizzie

wouldn’t speak to me.

That night,

when the sun

tucked itself in

Lizzie

started to whimper

then

cry.

Shut up!

Momma hollered.

Shut up

shut up

shut up!

Momma slammed the door

between our room

and hers. I

heard the lock

click.

Lizzie’s voice

grew

weary

and I moved from my

bed

to where she lay

curled in a lump.

Let me under

the covers

with you,

I said.

Let me.

Her crying scared me.

Scared me

something awful.

I’m sorry,

Liz

said in her

weeping,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry

to be mean to

you, Hope.

You’re not mean,

Liz,

I said.

You should stay gone,

she said.

You should stay gone

long as you can.

I climbed into

bed with

my sister

tickled her back

and her arms

and her face

trying to calm her

sobs.

52.

Hey, Hope?

It’s Mari on the phone.

Wanna come over,

go swimming?

It’s the day after the picnic

and nothing

got me last night

when I crawled into bed

and slid beneath the covers.

You know it,

I say.

I change into my suit.

It’s getting small on me.

Growing bosoms,

at last.

Momma says

becoming a woman

is taking longer for

me than Lizzie.

Man, is she

right.

Lizzie

looks way older,

more than a year older

than me.

She’s bigger breasted,

smaller waisted,

more grown-up.

Now I slip shorts

over my bathing suit

and go into the

room I shared with

Liz.

It’s so lonely here

without her.

I walk

into my room

only to go to sleep.

At night it’s harder to

see the empty bed

but easier to sleep

without

the crying.

Before,

not even that long ago,

I got ready

to go somewhere

with Mari.

Liz watched me,

then said,

Where you going?

Where you going, Hope?

To Mari’s,

I said.

Stay this time,

she said.

Stay with me.

What? Uh-uh.

Go visit a friend of your own,

I told her,

brushing my hair.

Go hang out with

Amanda or Cheri.

Not hanging out with

them anymore.

Liz looked away

like she was embarrassed.

You fighting?

Nope,

she said.

And kept looking away

out the window away

away from my eyes away.

We’re still

friends.

I’m just not

doing so much

with anyone

anymore.

A deep breath.

Besides, Momma doesn’t

want me to go so much.

She wants me here,

Liz said.

Not off.

When’d she start

to care if you’re here?

I said.

Lizzie let out