It was cool

and beneath my feet

the bottom slipped away

till I paddled to stay afloat.

There could be snakes,

Liz said, taking off

her clothes

too.

Let ’em come.

There could be ’gators.

Let ’em show up.

Liz laughed a big ol’ belly laugh.

And I laughed too,

water sweeping in my mouth a bit,

but not so much I couldn’t

spit it out and be happy along

with my sister.

Then she was in the water beside me.

And any of those things—

the watcher,

the snake,

or the killer alligator—

would have been better

than what I found out

today.

107.

I can’t go home,

not now that I know.

I’m too sick.

So I sit out on the river

and remember.

Me and Lizzie singing harmony.

Me and Lizzie riding the school bus together.

Me and Lizzie giggling in the evening

before the night fell like a dark blanket

and Lizzie’s smile faded.

I remember the one time

when I hadn’t been at Mari’s

house that long and Liz called.

This was

before I found her

with the

gun.

Hey, Hope,

she said,

how long do you think

till you’re home?

Momma wants to know.

Her voice was soft and

almost worried sounding.

Protecting me.

Taking care of me.

A couple of hours,

I said.

We’re planning a picnic.

You wanna come?

Liz was silent a moment,

then she whispered,

I better not. I gotta

stay here.

And then she said,

Are you sure it has to be so long?

Does Momma want me back sooner?

Again

Liz took a second to answer.

No,

she said.

She won’t care how long you’re gone.

Well, I’ll see you later,

I said

and went to hang up the phone.

Hope?

Lizzie said.

I love you.

Hey, Hope,

Mari said.

Let’s get going. Looks like rain.

I’m coming,

I said to Mari

and then to Liz,

Sure you don’t want to come?

Can’t,

she said.

I’ll make it quick.

I’ll try to get home sooner.

I felt surprised

I said those words.

I wanted to be a little free,

rain or not.

A picnic would be fun,

especially since Mari

had chosen to pack the lunch.

Her momma always bought

things my momma

wouldn’t think to,

like Twinkies and Cheetos.

If Liz hadn’t sounded so sad,

I wouldn’t have given

our afternoon adventure

a second thought.

But I said to her,

Liz, I’ll only be gone awhile.

Just long enough to bike

out to the river,

have a picnic,

and come back home.

No playing around.

How’s that?

She let out a sigh, and said,

That’s good, Hope.

That’s real good.

Her voice, though,

it was different.

I mean,

it wasn’t happy

like the words were.

It was like

she was saying,

Go, don’t go.

Go, don’t go.

My memories cause my

throat to close up now.

The diary is caught

in weeds, right

there at the lip of

the river.

I need that thing

away

from me where the words