She kept you pushed away

with one

hand.

Pushed away?

I said.

I

made my way into

the kitchen

turning on lights as I went,

Lizzie said.

No need in running into monsters in the dark.

I pulled out a jug

of Kool-Aid,

and

poured that into your bottle.

No milk.

Momma needed it on her breakfast cereal.

Right,

I said.

Then I ran,

noises chasing me,

back to Momma’s room.

I gave the bottle to you, Hope,

but you just kept crying,

even after the nipple

was in your mouth.

Change her

and get her outta here,

Momma said.

I nodded, believing.

But Lizzie didn’t stop the story.

I can’t make the tape

stick right,

I told Momma.

And Momma screeched.

Now Lizzie

kept her voice,

her own,

when she used Momma’s

words.

I said

change her and

get her outta here.

Come on, baby,

I said to you

and

Hope,

you reached for me

and

I pulled you from the bed.

That night

I put some of

my underwear

up and over

the diaper

to hold it on.

Me and Lizzie

we sat quiet

and listened

to the sounds of

kids playing.

Then I put my

arms around you and

held you close

so you wouldn’t be

afraid.

I lay back

squinting at the sky

let the grass

poke at my skin

thought about Momma

pushing me away

like that.

That’s when you and me,

Lizzie said,

that’s when you and me

started sharing a room

and when we became

best friends.

63.

At night,

now that Liz is gone,

I am plagued with sad Liz memories.

In our room,

I climb into her bed.

I hope for no bad dreams.

I listen to the radio

tucked under my pillow

so Momma cannot

hear the sound.

Even this reminds me

of my sister. And

in the dark,

with Momma alone

or gone

or sometimes with a friend,

it is hard for me

to escape memories.

I am going crazy,

I say,

lying in bed.

I can almost feel Liz close by.

Almost hear her breathing.

Liz,

I say,

quit haunting me.

With the words out

I realize just how dead

that sentence sounds.

64.

One afternoon

Momma comes home from

a night and morning

away

(Miss Freeman

checked on me three different

times to make

sure I was okay

alone).

Momma’s singing

a song from

Jesus Christ Superstar.

It’s the song

Judas sings to Jesus

at the beginning of the album.

We’ve had the CD

forever

and Liz and I know all the words.

(Once Miss Freeman said,

I can hear you-all

singing your little

hearts out over there.

It’s beautiful

just

beautiful the way

you-all blend.

And we said,

Thanks, Miss Freeman.)

We’ve sung parts

with Momma

and when she left us alone

for a day or two,

Lizzie and me

would play that music

over and over

at night

so we wouldn’t be so afraid.

But with Lizzie away

I have to play our

music alone