Now normally, although people like this grab hold of my ire and twist it round like a fucking dishcloth, I don’t kill them for it. Let’s face it – if I killed every single person who pissed me off I’d have been in jail since I was six. Conan happened to be in the right place at the wrong time.

He also happened to feel up one of the 14-year-olds’ butts in the darkness of the caves when I happened to be looking his way.

And the girl stood there, looking at the sights beyond – more calcium deposits and a stalagmite that looked like Danny DeVito – not exactly letting Conan touch her but not stopping him either. Until she moved along towards what I can only assume was her mother and Conan started on her friend who, pleasingly, threw him a glare until he backed off.

Giving up on the girls, Conan leaned in to me. ‘Where you staying?’

‘In town. Why?’

There came the lusty whisper. ‘Do you wanna go back to your hotel?’

‘No forget that,’ I said. ‘There’s a little cove we passed on the way here, up the road, through some woods.’ I unfolded the map I’d been handed on the bus. I showed him the general direction of where it was. Plenty of secluded areas, it said. ‘We can go there.’

‘Our bus leaves in two hours,’ he sniffed.

‘Won’t take long, will it?’ I gave him an obligatory hair twiddle and wink. ‘We can be back before the buses leave.’

He didn’t need long to think about it – he was already pitching a tent for me. Boys do get hard-ons for girls who like lardons.

‘Yeah, all right.’ His breath went ragged. ‘Come on, dirty girl.’

I was so honoured that the majesty of Conan the Vegetarian saw it fit to grace my fat fuck of a foof with his majestic cock but that’s exactly what he wanted to do. What a privilege for a chonker like me, eh? Shame I hadn’t shaved – it had been months since my last sweep round with the No No. I usually have a rule – no No No, No Noo Noo. But on this occasion, I had absolutely no intention of letting Conan cum into my mentions.

We sneaked out of a side entrance and up the winding lanes from the cave complex and he found it hilarious that I was out of breath and sweating by the time we arrived at the woods. I ventured to brush my hand against his in the hope that he would hold it. And he did. And even as he walked and I was perspiring because it was a hot day and all hills, he still kept on about my lack of fitness.