‘You can start undressing, if you like, while you’re waiting.’

This placated him as he finally stopped fucking with me and undid his laces – giving me long enough to slide a couple of pills into his open can. Quite a few pills, actually. A whole blister pack, if you must know. I’d had them ready and rattling in my shorts pocket most of the day.

‘Fancy a dip?’ I said, handing him the can.

‘Nah, s’full of salt, innit?’ He necked the lager.

‘Oh yeah,’ I said, pretending to sip my own.

Liam stood and made his way over to the shore, plunging his foot straight in. ‘‘S’fucking freezing ’n’all!’ he laughed.

I looked around for signs of Chrys the rep or the old man with the snort or That Prick Swayze who’d pulled my hair on the bus, but everyone was hidden by the long grasses. There were orgasms coming from the east.

He sank the dregs of his second can, tossing it into the scrub. He lay down on my towel and turned to me. ‘Get yer knickers off then.’

I stroked his chest. ‘You have to take this slowly. Make love to me.’

His breathing deepened. ‘Shit, that’s hot.’ His face moved towards my mouth and I held his head away, turning my lips towards his ear. I nibbled. ‘Mmm, say more stuff like that, baybeeee…’

I stroked his chest, all the way down his happy trail and into his shorts. My face inadvertently winced as I wondered what breed of crab I was going to catch if those pills didn’t kick in soon.

His breathing deepened as the cold wet worm licked my neck. ‘Mmmmmmmm,’ I feigned.

I clamped my thighs together and reached inside his shorts, taking hold of his springy little knob, already moist with precum. Bloody DNA.

‘It’s gonna go off in a min…’ he breathed as I kissed him and that stupid worm invaded my mouth again. ‘Give it a tug. Or nosh it off if you like.’

And they say romance is dead, eh? It soon would be.

He picked at the spaghetti straps of my vest and pulled one down to reveal my boob. ‘Wow, your tits are huge!’

‘Mmmm,’ I said, struggling to summon the will to go on living and biting back the pain as he squeezed each breast in turn. Oh Christ, I thought, what if they leaked? How would I explain that? But Lady Luck for once was on my side that day as without warning he fell back on my beach towel, laughing.

‘What’s the matter?’ I said, looking down to the tittage to see if they’d betrayed me. They hadn’t.

‘Fuck, I’m wasted, man. You’ll have to get on me.’

I didn’t move. I posted my boob back inside my vest and lay on my side, watching. Waiting for something else to happen. ‘Do what?’