Three-year-old Tyrion was a rebellious delight. He was the spiller of salt, the tapper of cutlery, the toucher of what he wasn’t supposed to and the asker of questions.

Mummy, why has that man got such a big belly?

Mummy, who is the lady sitting with us?

Mummy, why is the water wet?

And on and on and on. For some reason he took to me, moving my face around every time I tried to talk to anyone else. Sansa sort of stared, half-asleep but taking everything in including occasional slurps of doll-leg yoghurt. She was fascinating. It got easier to be around her the longer I had to be. As long as she didn’t squawk or cry, I was good. Mood = level.

Ken brought me back scrambled eggs on toast and an orange juice, not that I’d asked for them, and I had to hear all about Gloria’s cruise exploits – Zumba classes, the new gel nails that kept coming off, the massages and a flower-arranging class where she’d tried making a ‘double-ended feminine spray’. I didn’t do the obvious joke because I was Hilary now. The words ‘double-ended feminine spray’ held no meaning for straight-laced frilly vanilla-y Hilary at all.

‘You done any classes yourself yet, Hilary?’ she asked.

‘No,’ I said, resisting the urge to shudder. ‘I’m hoping to, though.’

‘There’s a line dancing class tonight at eight if you’re interested.’

Rhiannon was figuratively vomiting into a bucket – Hilary was smiling inanely. ‘Do you know, I’ve always wanted to try that,’ I beamed.

When she wasn’t extolling the virtues of cruise life, Gloria was pecking at Jayde – She doesn’t need it at the table, love. She’s not strapped in properly, love. Ty, you don’t need any more jam, petal, that’s quite enough isn’t it? Jayde barely said two words until Ken and Gloria went up together to get teas and coffees. Rhiannon wanted a coffee – Hilary opted for green tea. Ugh.

‘It were a Christmas present, this holiday,’ Jayde confided in me. By the look on her face she might have said I want to fucking die.

‘Crikey. You’re four days in. Think you’ll survive three weeks of this?’

She laughed, ruefully. ‘Well, there’s always overboard, isn’t there?’

‘Them or you?’

She laughed and rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t tempt me, please. So what’s Australia like? I’ve never been.’

Thankfully there was a PA announcement about excursions so sadly I couldn’t regale her with tales of a country I knew nothing about.

‘Are you doing an excursion today?’ I asked her, inhaling the hum of cooked egg from my plate and trying not to vom as the thought of aborted chicken babies on toast flitted into my mind.