Caro had said the same thing about Beatrice – being with her felt like she was home. The Hottest Turtle flashed into my mind, how in tune we had been during that short forty-five-minute meeting. What could have been.

And what was.

Within ten minutes, #RememberDeanBishopston was trending worldwide on Twitter, amid its usual cesspool of shouty voices giving too much of a shit about some celebrity dressing their cat in tinsel or having the wrong opinion about how to eat a Twix. I tried to swerve my brain away from Sarah and Dean Bishopston and their three boys. But I couldn’t.

I’d taken their daddy. Like I’d taken Ivy’s daddy.

I’d taken her place of safety, her home. Like I’d taken my own.

They hadn’t deserved that. I deserved everything coming to me.

‘What’s up, gatita?’ said Tenoch, leaning on the office doorframe. I closed the lid of the laptop.

‘Nothing.’

‘You been googling yourself again, eh?’

‘Yeah.’

‘You need to stop that.’

‘Why should I?’

‘Because it not make you happy. When you see all the nice things people are saying – “Oh we love Rhiannon, we love when she kill people, when she funny and cut off all the lil peckers—”’

‘—one dick I cut off. One.’

‘—yeah but even when they say good shit you’re still all “They’re not saying enough, I only have two hundred more fans than yesterday. Why did only five thousand people like that meme of me in the unicorn onesie?” And when they say bad stuff, you feel shitty too. I’ve been there, I know.’

‘You do?’

‘Oh yeah. In my day, I used to have people coming up to ask for pictures with me, to kiss me, give me hugs. But not everyone. Some would call me a murderer and spit in my face. Other times, I’d get shot.’

‘Why? What did you do?’

‘Cartel life,’ he said, with a flap of his hand like he wasn’t going to elaborate. And he didn’t. ‘It goes with the job – we are adored and hated. Like you. What did you see today?’

‘An interview. A woman whose husband I killed.’

‘She give it the waterworks, huh?’

‘She’s got three little kids.’

‘Collateral damage.’ I looked up at him. He sat on a stack of books by the door. ‘It’s always the little ones with you, isn’t it? You gotta let that shit go. It brings out your devil. If you’re serious about starting a new life, you’ve got to be different. This stuff – it not where happiness lies.’

Caro had said the same thing to me that day I’d destroyed those flowers in the botanical gardens.

You need to stop hating yourself so much. Leave it behind. Start anew. All this anger, it will only lead to no good…