I still haven’t told my grandma what happened, but now I don’t think I’ll have much of a choice. I almost contemplate faking an illness to avoid this situation, but then I get a hold of myself. It’s Dadu. She’s not going to try to make my life any more miserable than it already is.

And I miss her. Maybe more than anything else.

This visit was going to come inevitably. The whole family goes to see Dadu every few weeks, to make sure she doesn’t get too lonely out there. The anniversary of her daughter’s death is approaching, and we tend to visit more frequently around then. It completely slipped my mind, and I feel horrible about it. I’m not the only person going through things.

For Dadu, I’ll brave my relatives.

I silently get dressed and pile into the car with the rest of my family. Samir gives me a concerned look, but I ignore it. Still, he sits a little closer than usual, and his warmth is a comforting weight.

My dad keeps up a steady stream of conversation the entire ride there, mostly with Samir, but I keep my earphones in. My skin is already crawling and my knee is jiggling up and down.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

It’ll be fine. It’ll be okay.

I run Ace’s playlist on a loop through my earphones.

Halfway through the drive, Samir starts texting me ridiculous memes. I snort at one despite myself, and he flashes me a thumbs-up. I smile at him briefly for attempting to cheer me up, but the texts are only a momentary distraction from my anxiety.

By the time we get to my grandma’s house, I’m concerned my heart might beat out of my chest. There’s a bead of sweat sliding down my temple. My palms are so sticky that wiping my forehead will barely help.

I greet my grandma with salaam, and there’s enough of us at first that she doesn’t seem to notice how down I am. My cousins are already there, which at least means I can go unnoticed.

Fatima catches my eye and waves me over, but I shake my head. I don’t have the energy. She frowns but lets me go with an understanding nod.

I’m slinking away to find an abandoned room when Dadu grabs my wrist, turning me toward her. “Make sure to come by my room after I’m done praying, okay, Myra? I want to know what’s new in your life.”

My smile is strained. “Okay.”

I manage to escape for an hour, sitting in a corner on my phone, but eventually one of my little cousins comes up to me, tugging on my pigtail. “Dadu wants to see you.”