‘I had always known she wasn’t good for my son. If I had known earlier that she had snared my son by reading a dirty book, I wouldn’t have allowed him to marry her. Now I’ve lost my son to that witch. What am I to do?’ she asks wailing.

Mrs Mishra is in her element as she plays the tragic mother-in-law. The other mothers-in-law look shocked. Dragon throws some rather meaningful glances at me. Most of the daughters-in-law don’t react to the story though I’m convinced this entire episode will be narrated verbatim to Neha—I think Mrs Mishra intends that.

‘Jai Mata Rani ki! I so feel for you Mrs Mishra, but remember that at times our sons make choices we cannot control or fight,’ Dragon says. ‘You don’t need to fight with Neha. Remember that you have experience, patience and a much longer relationship with your son—he will never forget that.’

The mothers-in-law nod in unison and smile at Mrs Mishra reassuringly. I know exactly what Dragon means by those words. She has just told me very clearly that her relationship with her son is more important than my relationship with Sid. In other words, she is going to be the queen and I better listen to what she says.

Between Lalita’s ghost and Dragon’s interference, I am going to lose Sid—unless I can do something to win him back. Dragon meant to intimidate me with that box. She might actually have shown me the way. If Sid wants sexy lingerie and grinding—I’ll give it to him. Perhaps Virgin Bride has some suggestions on how to seduce your husband—because that’s what I intend to do.

Vindaloo & Vibrators

Get them by the balls & their hearts & minds will follow

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Kaama versus Maama

Porn to be wild

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Porn to be wild

Five times since morning—and if it weren’t for my fingers hurting, I’d probably have another go at it. I don’t mean sex though. Hubby’s not a morning person at all. Mornings for him are about reading the newspaper, praying after his bath and then rushing off to office. Giving him breakfast is my job. I am after all the dutiful wife—who sometimes looks at porn and sometimes visualizes herself with other men.

Do you masturbate? Don’t answer that if you’re a man. Men discover how to play with their penis before they learn how to dig their noses. For most women, though, masturbation is not something that comes naturally. Half the female population probably don’t know what their vaginas look like and the remaining two-thirds are probably scared of them.

Have you ever looked at yourself? I don’t mean screwing up your face as you apply that lipstick or wear your kajal. I mean down there, holding up a mirror?