A seminary, as I learned freshman year (and I’m proud I actually remember), has nothing to do with semen. Nothing at all, because it’s a priest house where all the priests who don’t have rooms in the dorms with us live together. It would make the most boring reality show ever.

For the first time since she walked in the door, Mary Kate looked me in the eye. ‘Right,’ she said meaningfully. ‘The seminary. Then he said he had something to show me …’

By this point, I was really tense. What does a kid like Caleb take you into the woods to show you? His schlong? A lower-back tattoo of the loaves and fishes?

‘… and he let go of my hand.’

To demonstrate, she held up her pale empty palm.

‘And I’m thinking, It’s ruined! We’re not holding hands! We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend now! But I’m trying to keep calm. I’m reminding myself that it didn’t have to happen tonight, that we have all the time in the world. We may not be boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but we have our whole future ahead of us to get to know each other, to date, to get romantic … And then I looked up and he was pointing to the seminary.’ Mary Kate’s face darkened. ‘And he said, “That’s where I’m going next semester. I’m moving in.”’

She stopped dramatically with doom in her eyes and waited for my reaction.

‘Huh?’ I wrinkled my nose in confusion. ‘He’s moving into the seminary? What, is he doing an internship? Doesn’t he have a dorm room? How is he even allowed to live there? Can’t you only live in the seminary if you’re a priest?’

Mary Kate was staring at me. Suddenly the realization hit me.

‘WHAT? He’s becoming a PRIEST?’

‘He said he wanted to tell me first because we “share such a special friendship”.’ Setting aside the Cup Noodles, she swaddled herself in the blanket and slumped down gloomily on the futon.

‘What the hell?’ I was raving. ‘But he’s so young! He’s not even old enough to drink! What does he do about the communion wine? Wait – can he get us wine?’

Then I saw how upset my room-mate was, so I wrapped my arms around her. ‘Sorry,’ I said sympathetically. ‘I know you really liked him.’

There was a moment of silence. Then I just had to ask.

‘Was he wearing his Jesus sandals to walk around the lake?’

Mary Kate sighed heavily. ‘Yeah.’ She stood up. ‘I guess I should have known.’

My loyal troops were gathered in our Feminist Club meeting room, and they were pumped.