She turned again to Father Hughes, who was writing in a notebook. We all looked at him. He looked up. ‘That is correct,’ he confirmed calmly.

‘Well, okay, yeah, sure. That’s technically correct,’ I continued, undaunted. ‘That’s the way things have always been done. But we are doing something new here. Something unprecedented. And unprecedented actions require unprecedented methods. And you know what?’

No one was looking at me, but I didn’t care.

‘You know what?’ I repeated. ‘I think, when we visit those venues, we are going to find some authority figure on this campus who supports us. Some authority figure on this campus who is open-minded, and progressive, and feminist, and not a stodgy, backward-looking philistine with a big biblical staff up his –’

‘Alex!’ Mary Kate interrupted me sharply, her face bright red. She looked around in panic, then, in frantic relief, pointed at the clock. ‘Look what time it is!’

‘All right,’ I growled reluctantly. ‘Fine. But just let me say that I will be starting a search for a campus venue for The Vagina Monologues tomorrow, and I know we’re going to find a great place to make this happen.’

I sat down. There I was, at the head of the table, president of the club, determined to put on The Vagina Monologues and get myself expelled. There was Father Hughes, across from me, meeting my eyes, determined to stop me. Two strong wills facing off. Two gunslingers in the Wild West, and this campus wasn’t big enough for the both of us.

But, in all honesty, I had thought the mounting tension was pretty much in my head – until it became too much for Robbie Schmidt, who suddenly groaned, leaned over and threw up on his backpack.

10

Monday after classes I set out on a mission: to find a venue for The Vagina Monologues. Mary Kate came with me – which surprised me at first, until she explained her latest tactic in the Great Boyfriend Search.

‘I call it my Theory of Proximity,’ she told me as we strolled through campus with our best cat-eye sunglasses on and our knee socks rolled down. Minnesota was giving us one last blast of summer in late September, and it was giving Mary Kate hope that, even though Caleb had ditched her for a house full of priests, she could still achieve her semester goal. ‘If I want to meet a guy, I need to be around guys.’

‘Is this in any way related to your crazy fantasy where you get stuck in an elevator with your crush and end up making out?’ I asked.