Before I could stop myself, I looked down. Crap. The distance to the prickle bushes made me dizzy and, much worse, there was a giant yellow-white beast whose demon eyes gleamed in the dark. Razor-sharp teeth flashed in its black, cavernous mouth with each bloodthirsty bark.

‘Charlie,’ Colin told me. ‘Father Callahan’s dog. He lives in our dorm. He’s a Labradoodle.’

‘Charlie the Labradoodle?’ I squinted at the monster down below, which now looked to be foaming at the mouth. ‘That’s not Charlie the Labradoodle! I follow Charlie the Labradoodle on Instagram! Charlie the Labradoodle is adorable! He wears fedoras with ear holes! THAT down there is some genetically modified wolf from a horror movie! Do you hear how he’s barking at me?’

‘I don’t think he likes girls,’ Colin babbled anxiously. ‘I mean, he lives in a dorm full of guys, where girls aren’t even allowed, so I think he’s kind of –’

‘A MISOGYNIST?’ I burst out. ‘Your dorm priest has a MISOGYNIST Labradoodle? What, Father Callahan isn’t scary enough, with the Rasputin beard and the thunder voice?’

Right on cue, like the approaching rumble of a summer storm, we heard that very thunder voice boom out. Father Callahan, Colin Nowakowski’s dorm priest, was coming around the back of the building, calling out in the dark, ‘What is it, Charlie boy? What’s going on back there?’

‘Oh FUDGE!’ Colin Nowakowski gasped. ‘Father Callahan! Father Callahan’s coming!’ His face was so pale and sweaty I thought he might barf on me, but I also thought I might barf at the fact that I had let a guy who says Fudge touch my ass. We were all screwed.

‘Quick, help me back up!’ I scrabbled against the stone wall with my motorcycle boots, groping with desperate fingers for a better handhold.

‘I’m sorry, Alex!’ His voice was squeaky with panic. ‘I can’t!’

‘You can’t what?’

‘I can’t get caught with a girl in my room! I can’t get in trouble! I’m applying early to Georgetown for engineering!’

‘Engineering?’ I spluttered furiously. ‘You couldn’t even unhook my bra! Now HELP. ME. UP!’

Father Callahan’s footsteps were approaching, snapping twigs in the bushes below. Charlie’s barking was rising to a vicious fever pitch, and I was grunting and pulling myself up, reaching out for Colin. I was so close – my hand outstretched –

Suddenly Colin blurted, ‘I’m sorry!’ and slammed the window down.

Then I really was screwed.

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