Outside the air was cooler – at least for me. For all those Catholic nerds burning with shame about the butts they had groped in the dark, not so much. Everyone straggled off towards their dorms, hanging their heads in regret. The lucky few who had shared that flask of rum stumbled.

Mary Kate trudged.

‘Aw, come on,’ I told her. ‘It’s for the best. You can’t date a guy who drinks – not even one drink. You get loopy on cough medicine. What you need is a nice, friendly, substance-free dude who’s scared to touch your boobs.’

And, right on cue, that dude arrived – in the form of a curly-haired, smiling senior with big front teeth who popped up seemingly out of the ground like a cheerful whack-a-mole.

‘Good evening, ladies!’ he chirped. ‘Would you care for an escort back to your dorm?’

I saw the green pin on his polo shirt and groaned. Campus Safewalk.

Campus Safewalk is so dumb. What’s the point of it? It’s not like we’re in a Syrian war zone. We’re on a closed campus in rural Minnesota with hawk-eyed nuns and priests and probably surveillance cameras everywhere. The most insidious threat on this campus is the athlete’s foot in the third-floor showers.

Plus, this dude was way too Catholic hippie for my taste. He had one of those chunky wooden cross necklaces and the sandals that always make me think of Jesus, even when they’re strapped to the feet of a long-toed pagan at a San Francisco death-metal festival.

‘I think we can walk the seven hundred feet to our dorm without getting tied up with nunchucks and held for ransom,’ I told Jesus Sandals. ‘Thanks anyway.’

But then I saw that Mary Kate was gazing into his sweet, dimpled face. She turned to me with pleading eyes.

Fine! I guess I had to give in. Mary Kate had had a rough night: she’d already lost one crush with terrible footwear.

We set off towards Girls’ Quad, across the dewy grass, the smell of late summer flowers in the air almost dissipating the scent of BO from the clusters of giggling people. So in the end Mary Kate had her romantic stroll – in fact, the three of us did, the little Holy Trinity of Mary Kate, Jesus Sandals and me.

8

Academic Quad was festooned with bright signs and balloons. Juniors and seniors in green plaid were bustling around tables that were arranged in a giant semicircle on the grass, clipboards in hand, chattering to each other with lively and anal-retentive enthusiasm.

It was Club Fair Day.