My vagina is going full steam ahead, whether Father Hughes wants it to or not.

It was only a few minutes before Hockey Player Pat replied:

I’m sure Gwyneth Paltrow would be very impressed with you and your steamy vagina.

Then the grey bubble with the dots popped up and I found myself watching it, holding my breath, until he sent the next message:

… and so am I.

I grinned like an idiot, glad that Mary Kate wasn’t here to see it.

The only thing steamier than Gwyneth’s vagina are the windows at a St Mary’s dance.

Pat wrote back right away.

If Father Dan had whipped out his guitar, it would have gotten even steamier.

I found I was typing back right away, too:

And then you would have had to get topless in front of Father John-Paul again …

Just then I heard a noise at the door and a key turning in the lock. Shit! Sister Hellda! The dorm nuns have copies of our room keys, and I was sure mine was storming in because her tingling spidey-sense had told her I was on the verge of sending a dirty text.

But then the door opened and it was Mary Kate. She was back way too early from her lake walk and she looked small and sad in the doorway.

‘What happened?’ I asked her. ‘How’d it go?’

Without answering, she came in and let her little patent-leather purse drop to the floor instead of hanging it on its assigned hook. Not a good sign.

I frowned. ‘Caleb didn’t … like, try to pressure you into anything, right?’

Mary Kate sighed and sank onto the futon. ‘No,’ she said finally. ‘Caleb is a good person. A … really good person.’

I sat next to her and put my hand on her knee. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, and then waited a sympathetic beat before suggesting, ‘Cup Noodles?’

Mary Kate leaned her head against the futon and nodded. ‘Chicken flavor, please.’

Clearly, my room-mate needed some TLC. I wrapped Mary Kate in a furry blanket, tucked Sir Shackleton next to her on the futon and microwaved her Cup Noodles. As she clutched the warm cup, she began to tell her story.

‘We met up at the Victory Fountain. Caleb was wearing a baby-blue polo shirt and he looked soooo cute. So we start walking to the lake and, before we even get there, just while we’re going down those stone steps, he takes my hand already. Then he tells me he has something super important to talk to me about, and I’m thinking – This is it! This is it!’

She clutched her ramen to her chest with a look of bittersweet nostalgia, like she was that sassy old lady remembering banging Leonardo DiCaprio on the Titanic back in the day.

‘Then we came around that bend, you know where the lake turns …’

‘Sure,’ I said. ‘Where you can see the seminary.’