‘So you DID kiss him! Oh my God, you kissed him! Did you … oh my God … Mary Kate! DID YOU SLEEP WITH THE TOOTHLESS BEAST?’

Hundreds of contradictory thoughts raced through my head. She must have slept with the Toothless Beast! Why else was she out after curfew? Why else was she acting so weird? But she couldn’t have slept with the Toothless Beast! Mary Kate didn’t sleep with guys! And she definitely wouldn’t sleep with someone she’d just met! I knew Mary Kate!

But did I really? She had been so weird lately. So calm. So collected. So discreet. So mature. She wasn’t even braiding her hair anymore. Maybe this newfound maturity meant she had lost her virginity!

No way. That whole idea that ‘losing your virginity’ is some kind of milestone that makes you an adult is bullshit, left over from the days of Queen Victoria when you sold your daughter for a stable of racehorses. You don’t get any kind of mysterious wisdom from having sex. The only thing most teenagers get out of first-time sex is a urinary tract infection and that sad-faced kid from sixth-period Spanish following you around like a puppy and henna-tattooing your name on his pasty ass. Oops, just me then? Anyway …

But the Toothless Beast was pretty cute. And seemed nice.

Mary Kate looked me straight in the eye. ‘Actually …’ she began.

Right at that moment, a deafening blare sounded across the quad: the fucking St Mary’s Marching Band, with their impeccable pain-in-my-crotch timing, was crossing in front of our dorm, blasting the school fight song at full volume. A massive, cheering crowd streamed behind them.

‘Oh look!’ Mary Kate chirped with obvious relief, pointing out of the window. ‘The band! Let’s go – we don’t want to miss the march-out!’

And, throwing her green scarf over her shoulder and snatching up her crutches, she hobbled rapidly out of the room and disappeared down the hallway. I’m telling you, for a chick with a broken ankle, girlfriend can MOVE when she wants to.

21

Out on the quad, seventy-seven trombones and that one lone dude piccolo player were all blowing and banging and trilling their little hearts out. Blinding early-winter sunlight was reflecting off the brass instruments, a dizzying array of flags was waving and a crowd of green-clad sports maniacs was pouring out of every dorm.