I sat on the edge of my bed, wrapped in my towel, as I re-read her text. How was it that she was so thoughtful? Things hadn’t been awkward on Tuesday when they so easily could have been. She’d been so understanding. When I’d said that I needed time, she hadn’t whined and she hadn’t pushed. But she hadn’t pulled away either. She’d have let me kiss her. She said so. I wished I had.

I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her since then. I’d picked up my phone to call or text on countless occasions but kept reminding myself that I had to keep my focus and get through the anniversary and memorial drinks before I could even think about picking things back up with Jemma. I should have done that in the first place – waited until the anniversary had passed before I’d opened my big mouth, then we wouldn’t be in this situation. We’d still have been friends and I could have let it grow naturally instead of diving straight in and wiping out. I hoped I hadn’t destroyed her trust in me.

My thoughts turned to the evening plans at Hailey and Zack’s beach hut. I was dreading it because, from a conversation I’d had with Hailey yesterday, it was obvious it was no longer the small, select gathering they’d originally suggested. I didn’t like huge parties and neither had Nikki. She’d have hated knowing her parents had invited so many people. It would be easier to face if Jemma was with me but that was hardly appropriate. Even if I introduced her as a friend, there’d be whisperings and assumptions.

I read Jemma’s text once more. I wanted to see her. I wanted to talk to her. But it wasn’t fair. So I typed in something friendly but completely non-committal and shook my head in disgust as I sent it:

✉︎ To Jemma

Thank you. It was meant to be a small gathering but I think their definition of small may be my definition of huge so not looking forward to it xx

‘What are you doing today?’ Mum asked over breakfast.

I shrugged. ‘Stevie and Rob offered to meet me at lunchtime or this afternoon for a pint but I haven’t confirmed anything.’

‘That sounds nice. Will you do it?’

Would I? Sod it! I had nothing else planned and it was good of them to offer.

‘I’m so pleased that you’re back in touch with them,’ Mum continued. ‘They were such lovely boys when you were at school together. And you did say you had a good evening with them on Monday.’