Opening up to Jemma felt like a weight had been lifted from me. Plus there was an open invite to talk more. I wanted to. I felt like I could talk to her about Nikki and not just because we were both in the ‘lost fiancées club’. I would have and could have talked to her anyway.

Why had I bottled it up for so long? Not talking about Nikki wasn’t going to suddenly magic her back to life. Not talking about her certainly hadn’t stopped me thinking about her every waking hour and most of the hours I should have been sleeping too. Maybe talking about her would help me focus on the good times, stop beating myself up for not being able to do anything to help her, and give me the strength to face the next year, the next five years, the next ten years without her.

And who knows, maybe I would meet someone else one day and do the marriage and kids thing, although I doubted that I’d ever feel the same way about anyone else as I did about Nikki. Lightning wasn’t supposed to strike twice, was it?

24

Jemma

I felt drained as I caught the tube to work on Monday morning. The past week at home had been tough. Karen picked me up from the station on Tuesday afternoon and filled me in on Mum’s mood swings as she drove me home. Rachel was at Bear’s Pad with Mum who burst into tears the moment she saw me. When Logan got home from school, he ran to me and clung to me, sobbing, which set Mum off again.

It broke my heart to see Mum in such a state. The woman I’d looked up to all my life as a role model – single mum, entrepreneur, expert, creative genius – wasn’t even a shadow of her former self. She seemed to move from anger and frustration to listless disinterest in the space of a day, and back again. It was like having a hormonal teenager in the house, lashing out at anyone and everything.

Liv and Annie at Bear With Me were incredible. They worked extra hours, stepped up to take on additional responsibilities. They suggested I spent more time at home than at the shop but, while I wanted to be at home for Mum, I knew I couldn’t let things slip and risk adding financial difficulties to her mounting problems.

Fortunately Karen and Rachel were able to step in. They both spent as much time at Bear’s Pad as they could during the week. Rachel’s role as a freelance travel agent meant that she was predominantly home-based, giving her the flexibility to be with Mum or to have Logan round at hers. She worked on her laptop from Mum’s dining table for a couple of days which meant I could focus on the shop knowing Mum wasn’t alone.