I think back to all those moments I could have got to know her more. I was so used to her being around, so used to her asking questions and pushing things with us, that I forgot to push back.

Then I think about the argument and the final words I said to Mum before she went into hospital. I know I need to face it. And today, without the memories to hide behind, I’m ready.

‘I love Dad more than I love you! I understand him and he understands me. We –’ I waved my arms between us – ‘we’re too different. You come from a different world.’

Each time I spoke must’ve been like a punch in the gut.

Mum was crying. ‘You’re right,’ she said. ‘I do. I had a whole life before you, Safiya. Everything you’re doing now, feeling now, I’ve done it and felt it too.’

Her voice was shaking, but I pushed and pushed and pushed.

I told her I didn’t care what she had to say, and I was fed up of visiting her every weekend. And she just stood there and listened.

‘We’re more alike than you think,’ Mum said when I eventually stopped. She wiped her tears away with her sleeve. ‘And no matter what you say about any of that I love you.’

I should’ve said it back. I should’ve said ‘I love you.’

But I didn’t. Instead I left.

‘I love you,’ I say now, hoping it’s not too late.

Amanda comes in soon after and I stand up. She’s holding the perfume in both of her palms like it’s the most precious thing in the world.

‘Safiya!’ she says, seemingly pleased to see me. ‘When I heard whose bed it was I wanted to fetch it myself.’ Amanda’s voice always goes up at the end of her sentences, so it’s kind of like we’re in a Disney film and she’s singing about our day. ‘You’re doing great,’ she adds, handing me the bottle. I almost expect a bunch of woodland creatures to jump on to her shoulders, lift it from her hands and transport it to mine. ‘Collecting all your mum’s things for her, bringing them here for her. It all helps with the recovery. Keep going!’

Amanda leaves soon after, but her words linger in my mind.

I can make this up to Mum, and I will.

I use one drop of perfume on her forehead. I wipe it across with my fingers, caressing her face.

I lean down and give her a kiss on her brow.

And almost immediately I drift, drift, drift . . .

Chapter 20