“I don’t completely know what you need right now,” I began. “But all I can do is offer myself. I can offer my time and energy. Mel, you’ve given me a lot of kindness in the past months, and I had took advantage of it. I learned that the hard way. But this isn’t all about me. This is about you, too. I don’t want you to feel like you’re not appreciated. Because I appreciate you so, so much.”

“Thank you,” she replied. “And I know. I know that you’re sorry, I know you’ll change. I wouldn’t say that about many guys.” She looked up at the stars, and maybe got lost in her thoughts. Maybe she thought about what she needed. I sat there looking at the stars, too, wishing I was somewhere in the spectrum of her desire. And honestly, I think that was the scariest part of it all. Mel was someone special, and I didn’t want to lose her. The fire crackled as I watched her glow underneath the moonlight. She illuminated parts of me that I never knew existed. She brought out the best of me, and I hoped she knew that it had all started with her.

“I’ve been thinking about this a lot, too, Adrian.” She took in a breath. “But I want to know how you’re feeling. Where do you see yourself, fighting your problem? I don’t want to add fuel to the fire.”

“I don’t know where I stand with it,” I said honestly. “I’m scared. I’m scared about a lot. I’m scared that maybe Lewis might come back and try to fight me again, I’m scared that maybe I’ll go and just buy another scale, and I’m scared that I’ll have a future without you. I’m scared that I’ll start purging again. But I think the only thing I can do is hold myself accountable for the actions that have put me here, and hold myself accountable for the mistakes I’ll make in the future. There are going to be mistakes because I’m the furthest thing from perfect. I’m a body full of anxiety. I let fear nest itself in the back of my head. I’m an awkward and insecure mess, a body of bad choices at times. Heck, I even go hiking with nothing but basketball sneakers.”

Mel giggled at that.

“Mel,” I continued. “There’s so much I want to apologize to you for, but honestly, I think apologies can only do so much. I don’t want to say sorry just to do it again. I want to make a promise to you, that I’m going to do better, and that I’ll hold myself accountable if I screw up.”

“I’ll hold you accountable, too.” She grinned. “I should have told you sooner about my past, although that’s not me apologizing. That’s just me saying maybe things would have been a bit clearer.”

“You definitely don’t owe me an apology,” I reassured her. “I was wrong, it was gross what I said, and I should have known better. You’re amazing, you’re beautiful, you’re smart, funny, wise. You’re like a song, but not like other songs, because other songs lose their magic when they get overplayed. But not you. You still make my heart race. Maybe I’m too young to know what love is, but this is the strongest I’ve ever felt toward anyone. Maybe this is better, maybe this is softer, maybe this is more honest. Maybe this is . . . I don’t know,” I rambled.