Chapter 10 New Body, Same Person

The purging didn’t stop. It got more intense. When Mel left me, depression came knocking on my door, and it wouldn’t leave. I quit going to King’s. Scarlett would text my phone, asking me where I was but I never replied. I didn’t even know if Mel kept going or not. I fell into a deep depression, and I felt like I was stuck in the gravitational pull of my bed. I barely ate and the purging had only gotten worse. Depression took away any motivation I had to exercise, and holding a spoon to my mouth felt like the heaviest burden I could carry. It was now March, and I wasn’t a fan of the cold. Christmas had been hard. My entire family came over to our house, distant cousins, aunts, grandparents; we all fit in the clown car of my home. And every one of them commented on my appearance.

“Lookin’ good, boy!” my Aunt Karen had said.

“Thanks,” I’d replied. I wondered what she would have thought if she knew I had an eating disorder. My cousin Lance told me that I should “get into basketball,” because I’m “lanky now.” Sure, I was lanky, but I wondered what he would have thought if he knew how often I wanted to pass out from being tired.

The hardest part about Christmas was the food. My family went all out with turkey, ham, stuffing, buns, and everything else that you could imagine. I sat at the dinner table with a plate full of food and all I wanted to do was cry. I waited to purge until that night, when everyone was gone, and my parents were asleep. I was wearing an ugly Christmas sweater, not wanting anyone to see what was underneath.

I felt more fatigued as time went on. No food equalled no energy. I had an extra hard time paying attention in class because of that, even to the point where a teacher took me aside and asked if everything was okay. I told her that my imagination just got the better of me sometimes. It also led to dry skin, I used a lot more lotion than usual — I just told folks I was feeling ashy.

That March morning, I entered school and found it colder than usual. My hair was now a soft, curly afro, so it kept my head warm. But having less of a stomach made me chilly. I put my jacket in my locker and shut it. Underneath I wore a black long-sleeve sweater and blue jeans. I still didn’t like showing skin. When I walked through the hallways, all eyes were still focused on me, but I kept my head down. I could hear whispers from students: “He got really skinny, really fast.” Or, “I heard he got liposuction.”

The liposuction rumour had been going around for some time, and it was bothering me. I didn’t know why so many people cared that much to make stuff up. If I could afford liposuction, I would have done it. But even if I did, that wasn’t anyone’s business.