“You ready, now?” Mel put a hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah. I’m ready,” I said.

Chapter 19 Weightless

“Are you okay after that?” Mel asked as she pulled out of the Redemption House parking lot.

“Yeah, I think so. He had to go down.”

I was still thinking about what had happened back there. I just beat up Lewis in front of everyone. A part of me felt good, really good. Another part of me felt indifferent because I hadn’t wanted to do that. But deep down, I knew it was necessary. Mel didn’t like violence either, but she knew Lewis had to be put in his place.

“He’s done, and we won’t have to worry about him any longer,” I reassured myself.

“You’re right,” Mel said. “So, to your place?”

“Yeah. To my place.”

Mel parked outside of my house, and I told her to wait in the car. I would only be a minute. I went inside, avoided my parents, and darted straight to the bathroom to check my face. It was a bit red, but it didn’t seem as if it would leave a mark. Lewis had gotten a few good licks in. My phone began buzzing. It was text messages from Donny.

Donny: AC, WHAT HAPPENED!!?!? I heard you beat up Lewis!? Are you a superhero or something, homie?

I didn’t feel like one. I texted him back.

Me: It’s true. Keep it on the DL though

Donny: Mannnnn!!!! You are the shit.

It was hard not to smile at that. I put my phone aside and looked across the bathroom at my scale.

Did I want to step on it one more time? Did I really want to break this thing? Was I ready to move on? Those questions circled within my head, and I couldn’t really answer any of them. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a lot less of me than I had months ago. But underneath it all, there was so much more. Within the past while, I had taken in so much: the good, the bad — everything. It all weighed on me. But I wasn’t meant to carry the weight of everything. I couldn’t continue to carry the insecurity or be locked away in the cage of my own self-harm. Mel was outside, and I was there, trying to find the strength inside of me to pick up that stupid scale and break the one thing that controlled me.

I went over to it and stuck one foot on it. The zeros flashed. I felt like I was lost at sea, and that the scale owned me. It made me afraid to eat, it made me starve myself, it made me scared to be confident in my own body. That scale made me afraid to see my own beauty.

I stepped off the scale before the flashing zeros gave me a number. I sat against the wall and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked tired, sad, and drained. But I also saw beautiful brown skin, I saw determination to change, I saw the strength to move on.