I was fatigued and out of breath. I just wanted to be home and in my bed, but I fought through it. Mel could tell I was tired and tried to give me a hand, but I swiped my arm away. I didn’t see her reaction, but I heard a big exhale from her direction.

It was a quarter after three, and we were back at Dreamer’s Corner. Mel’s car was still there, and she unlocked the doors while taking puffs.

“Do you need a lift?” That was the only thing she had said to me since we left Desmond’s place. Her eyes told me that she wanted me close, but at that moment I needed distance more than I needed her.

“I think I need space,” I said.

“Oh,” she replied, her shoulders dropping. She began taking deep breaths and tried to readjust herself. I knew she was using all her strength to do so — she was never one to let me see her be weak. She wasn’t weak. It was just a difficult situation for both of us.

I didn’t know what to say, so I just stood there soaking in the awkwardness. She lit another cigarette, no doubt hoping it could ease her emotions, but it only created more smoke. Eventually, I walked away. Not long after, I heard her car engine turn on and saw her drive off. I hoped distance would do me well because that punk show hadn’t.

Chapter 13 Don’t Bite the Hand

I thought that time and distance would put my emotions at ease, but a week later I was still as hurt as I was that night. The way they both kissed, and knowing that she had moved on. I was angry. I was angry at Mel. I was angry at Desmond. He was such a jerk. I couldn’t believe the way that he kicked Mel out of his house at three in the morning. Nothing about that night sat well with me. I met up with Donny at school that day and we chilled during the lunch hour.

“Ever think of getting a dating app?” Donny asked me while leaning against a locker and swiping through his phone.

“That thought never occurred to me,” I said honestly.

“Well, you have to be eighteen to get on most of them, according to the app shop.”

“Well I guess that solves that problem.”

“Not if you lie, genius. Get one, and you’ll get over Mel fast.”

Donny really didn’t understand how relationships worked. I didn’t just want to be with someone for the sake of being with them. That felt wrong and like a waste of time. Relationships are something meant to grow and flourish, not some band-aid solution for the emptiness I was feeling.

“I don’t think I want that right now,” I said. “But thanks anyways.”

“To each their own.” Donny shrugged, eyes still dedicated to his phone.

A numbness had settled inside me. It was pretty much the only feeling I knew anymore. I was empty. I had emptied my fat into toilet bowls, I betrayed love for fantasies of being fit. I opened my eyes to heartache and then I let my jealousy transform into something toxic. That was why my tank was empty. I was fighting off tears in that moment, so I left school early. I went home and darted straight to the kitchen. I ate two peanut butter sandwiches, a bowl of ice cream, and a chocolate bar. I had to fill myself with something. I ate, and I ate, and I ate, hoping it would numb the pain. Afterward, I felt even worse. Once I got to my room, I let myself cry, hoping it would wash away the heartache.