“How can I not let this be an obstacle for me!?” I sobbed, wiping furiously at my tears. “I worked my ass off just to feel normal, and now I look like this! Most of my body seems to be medical waste. And this is what this whole mess has felt like, a big waste of time.” I couldn’t stop crying. I felt beaten and broken. I felt like I wasn’t good enough.

I put on my clothes. Dr. Perfect Asshole didn’t say anything and just watched me leave. I walked into the hallway, and tried to hide my tears, but it didn’t matter. My emotions got the better of me, and I could see nurses and patients staring at me. They stared at me exactly how everyone at school stared at me. It felt no different. I ran into a washroom and all the eyes staring at me followed. As I ran, I felt something fall out of my pocket, but I didn’t care. I slammed the door, locked it, and screamed. I screamed so loud that nobody could call me the quiet kid anymore. I was tired of being quiet, I was tired of hiding my pain, and I had to let it out.

I heard a knock on the door. “Sir. Sir, are you okay? You can’t scream like that in there.”

I didn’t answer. I just slumped against the locked door and put my head in my lap. I sat there and cried.

It made me think back to a time with Mel. You’re allowed to cry y’know? she told me that day in the park after those guys made fun of me. I’d been so embarrassed. It’s okay to cry, y’know. I know you boys don’t like doing that much, but you don’t have to hide your feelings here. I could hear her voice.

The thing I loved about Melody was that every time I cried, she didn’t push me away or tell me to stop. She held on tight. So, I cried there in the bathroom. I cried for all the times I hadn’t allowed myself to.

I was in that bathroom for about forty minutes. Every now and then I could hear someone knock on the door, telling me to come out, or hear the doorknob twist and turn. But I just sat there, and soon enough all the knocking and the twisting stopped. At that point I didn’t know how long I had been in there anymore. I didn’t want to ever leave. Suddenly, I heard a noise that sounded like paper ripping followed by scribbling. Then a white piece of paper made its way beneath the door. I grabbed it, and it read: Are you okay, AC?

Then a pen rolled under the doorway, too. Only two people called me AC. That was Donny and Mel, and this didn’t seem like an approach Donny would take.

I grabbed the pen and wrote back.

No. No, I’m not okay. And slid it back under the door with the pen.