“How’d it go?” Pop asked as I slumped into place beside him again. He saw the look on my face. “That well, huh?”

“Do me a favor, okay?”

“Anything. Within reason, of course.”

“Don’t give me any more advice about boys.”

“Okay.”

“Like ever.”

“Okay.”

“I mean it.”

“I got it.”

“Good.”

That was the first time I think I realized that I wasn’t that kind of girl, the ones that boys look at and want to kiss. Like they all apparently wanted to kiss Afton at the first sight of her long blond hair. They just didn’t see me that way. If they saw me at all.

I was—my stomach churned at the revelation—unkissable.

I would never have thought the word unfuckable, but that, too.

Until Leo, that is. But that was a fluke. Or not. The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe Leo wasn’t that interested in having sex with me. Maybe he was simply interested in having sex. Which is not the same thing. Not the same thing at all.

Chapter 20

20

Obviously I don’t sit with Nick on the bus after I snub him, or when we stop again, this time for dinner at a huge buffet-style restaurant. I lurk in the corner of the dining room, justifying how rude I was by reminding myself that I’m not fit company for anybody. My breakup with Leo is less than forty-eight hours old. My parents’ marriage is imploding. I’m keeping a huge secret from my sister. I’m over here remembering Darius, of all people, who I haven’t thought about in a long, long time.

I’m a hot mess.

The look on Nick’s face, though, was awful. I just caught, as I was turning around, the way his eyes clouded over, this smile dropping from his face. It was way worse than my “I’ll take two, please,” moment with Darius, because I did it to him deliberately. But I tell myself I’m actually doing Nick a favor by rejecting him. Sometimes, according to one of Pop’s favorite songs, you’ve got to be cruel to be kind.

I’m feeling moderately okay about this decision until they bring out the birthday cake, a small, round pineapple upside-down cake with a blazing candle in the center.

It’s his birthday.

Kahoni sets the cake on the table in front of Nick. Everybody starts to sing off-key. Nick hunches over the flickering candle with a look of bemused embarrassment. He doesn’t look at me, even though I’m sure he knows I’m here. He looks at everyone but me.

Because I hurt his feelings. I made him feel small and stupid. On his birthday.

That was a dick move. I am a dick.