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Back When the Stars Go Dark Save as PDF
Chapters (83)
  1. Epigraph
  2. Maps
  3. (prologue)
  4. Part 1: Signs and Vapors
  5. (one)
  6. (two)
  7. (three)
  8. (four)
  9. (five)
  10. (six)
  11. (seven)
  12. (eight)
  13. (nine)
  14. (ten)
  15. (eleven)
  16. (twelve)
  17. Part 2: Secret Things
  18. (thirteen)
  19. (fourteen)
  20. (fifteen)
  21. (sixteen)
  22. (seventeen)
  23. (eighteen)
  24. (nineteen)
  25. (twenty)
  26. (twenty-one)
  27. (twenty-two)
  28. (twenty-three)
  29. (twenty-four)
  30. (twenty-five)
  31. (twenty-six)
  32. (twenty-seven)
  33. (twenty-eight)
  34. (twenty-nine)
  35. (thirty)
  36. (thirty-one)
  37. (thirty-two)
  38. (thirty-three)
  39. (thirty-four)
  40. (thirty-five)
  41. (thirty-six)
  42. (thirty-seven)
  43. (thirty-eight)
  44. (thirty-nine)
  45. Part 3: Time and the Maiden
  46. (forty)
  47. (forty-one)
  48. (forty-two)
  49. (forty-three)
  50. (forty-four)
  51. (forty-five)
  52. (forty-six)
  53. (forty-seven)
  54. (forty-eight)
  55. (forty-nine)
  56. (fifty)
  57. (fifty-one)
  58. (fifty-two)
  59. (fifty-three)
  60. Part 4: The Bent Grove
  61. (fifty-four)
  62. (fifty-five)
  63. (fifty-six)
  64. (fifty-seven)
  65. (fifty-eight)
  66. (fifty-nine)
  67. (sixty)
  68. (sixty-one)
  69. (sixty-two)
  70. (sixty-three)
  71. (sixty-four)
  72. (sixty-five)
  73. (sixty-six)
  74. (sixty-seven)
  75. (sixty-eight)
  76. (sixty-nine)
  77. (seventy)
  78. Dedication
  79. (acknowledgments)
  80. (author’s note)
  81. BY PAULA MCLAIN
  82. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  83. What’s next onyour reading list?

“That’s not true. I was too distracted. My work had taken over my whole life. I wasn’t present. That’s why Brendan told me to go. He knew the same thing could happen to Matthew. He said he can’t trust me anymore.”

“Grief is a powerful force,” Tally says. “A lot of the families I’ve worked with over the years have come to similar places over a child’s death. Maybe Brendan has had time to work out his feelings. Maybe he’s ready to talk.”

“Even if he could forgive me, I’m not sure I could do anything different now. I haven’t changed.”

“What do you mean? Why not?”

“I’ve never been able to have any distance from these victims. The kids I’m trying to help. My cases just swallow everything. That’s how the accident happened.” I lean against the table with my elbows. Everything inside me feels so heavy I wonder if I can go on. If I can ever again hold myself upright. “I miss Sarah so much.”

Tally is silent as she moves her chair closer to mine. Her arms wrap around me, strong and tender, forgiving. Her body is like a harbor. Like a real place to land.

I stay there, anchored, until I start to feel stronger. Then I sit up and dry my eyes, and start to tell her about Jamie Rivera. It was late July when we found his tiny body in that icebox, covered in frost. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, how his innocent life had just been stolen, for no reason at all. I wanted to find his killer more than anything. To make that person pay. Meanwhile my own family life demanded so much from me, and I didn’t have it to give. I kept telling myself it was just this case. That once we’d solved it, I’d feel better and get back to what was really important. But in another way, I knew that would never happen. My work is a sickness—an addiction—and always has been.

Maybe I should have been more honest with Frank or asked for help, or gone back to therapy. I should have built that house in my mind and done everything I could to heal. Maybe then I would have been awake and watching—there. When Sarah climbed out of the car, I would have run out and stopped her. I would have picked her up in my arms, and carried her to safety.

—

“Nothing can bring your daughter back,” Tally says when I’ve finished. Our coffee has grown cold. My breakfast pushed away long ago. “I can only imagine how much pain you’ve been carrying, but she doesn’t blame you. Her spirit is as untroubled as any I’ve ever seen, Anna. She’s like the sun.”