I swallow hard. It’s a beautiful image, and I want so much to believe it. That’s what Sarah was like in life. Just like the sun. “Where is she now?”

“She’s everywhere, like light. She watches over her brother and father and you, too. She’s crazy about your dog. She says she always wanted one just like Cricket, and now she has one.”

More tears then. Where do they all come from? Is the body made only of tears? “She’s at peace? She doesn’t feel any pain?”

“Only when she knows you’re suffering. She wants you to forgive yourself, Anna. You have to find a way to come to terms with all this. There’s so much more for you to do. That’s how you can honor Sarah. You can live out your life’s purpose.”

Suddenly I think of Cameron. “I can’t just abandon her,” I try and explain to Tally.

“Cameron knows you care about her. Besides, she has a lot of people around who love her and will make sure she’s safe.” She tips her chin forward and gazes into my eyes with a clarity that startles me. “Are we really talking about something else, Anna? Or someone? What haven’t you been able to let go of?”

I shake my head, wishing she’d look away or drop this. We’ve been sitting here forever already, discussing such terrible, unsurvivable things. And yet I know instantly what she means. Jason and Amy. Since that Christmas when I was eight, every story has been the same story. Cameron has come closer to my heart than most, but bringing her home hasn’t freed the pressure at the center of my chest. Killing Caleb hasn’t, either. “I don’t think I can get better, Tally. I’ve been this way a long time.”

“Anyone can change. We do it over and over, every time we do even one thing different. Don’t sell yourself short. You’ve helped so many people, Anna. Help yourself. Help Matthew. Then see what happens.”

“What if Brendan still blames me? I’ve hurt him so much.”

Again, her eyes are soft and wise. “Maybe he does. Or maybe he forgave you a long time ago and is waiting for you to catch up.”

—