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Back When the Stars Go Dark Save as PDF
Chapters (83)
  1. Epigraph
  2. Maps
  3. (prologue)
  4. Part 1: Signs and Vapors
  5. (one)
  6. (two)
  7. (three)
  8. (four)
  9. (five)
  10. (six)
  11. (seven)
  12. (eight)
  13. (nine)
  14. (ten)
  15. (eleven)
  16. (twelve)
  17. Part 2: Secret Things
  18. (thirteen)
  19. (fourteen)
  20. (fifteen)
  21. (sixteen)
  22. (seventeen)
  23. (eighteen)
  24. (nineteen)
  25. (twenty)
  26. (twenty-one)
  27. (twenty-two)
  28. (twenty-three)
  29. (twenty-four)
  30. (twenty-five)
  31. (twenty-six)
  32. (twenty-seven)
  33. (twenty-eight)
  34. (twenty-nine)
  35. (thirty)
  36. (thirty-one)
  37. (thirty-two)
  38. (thirty-three)
  39. (thirty-four)
  40. (thirty-five)
  41. (thirty-six)
  42. (thirty-seven)
  43. (thirty-eight)
  44. (thirty-nine)
  45. Part 3: Time and the Maiden
  46. (forty)
  47. (forty-one)
  48. (forty-two)
  49. (forty-three)
  50. (forty-four)
  51. (forty-five)
  52. (forty-six)
  53. (forty-seven)
  54. (forty-eight)
  55. (forty-nine)
  56. (fifty)
  57. (fifty-one)
  58. (fifty-two)
  59. (fifty-three)
  60. Part 4: The Bent Grove
  61. (fifty-four)
  62. (fifty-five)
  63. (fifty-six)
  64. (fifty-seven)
  65. (fifty-eight)
  66. (fifty-nine)
  67. (sixty)
  68. (sixty-one)
  69. (sixty-two)
  70. (sixty-three)
  71. (sixty-four)
  72. (sixty-five)
  73. (sixty-six)
  74. (sixty-seven)
  75. (sixty-eight)
  76. (sixty-nine)
  77. (seventy)
  78. Dedication
  79. (acknowledgments)
  80. (author’s note)
  81. BY PAULA MCLAIN
  82. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  83. What’s next onyour reading list?

A few hours later, Tally walks me to my car. I help Cricket into the back seat, and then throw my duffel onto the floorboard. None of this is easy. My emotions are still chaotic and my doubt is loud, but I know what I need to do now. Whether or not the strength will come to me, I have to try. Even if I have to show up on my knees, Tally is right. I have to go back and face everything. I have to be the mother I am. The sister I am, too. I have to find a way back to Jason and Amy. Maybe they will slam a door in my face. Or maybe they forgave me a long time ago, too. There’s only one way to find out.

Once I’ve settled behind the wheel of my Bronco, I say through the open window, “All the times we’ve talked, you’ve never mentioned Hap. Why is that? I just can’t believe he wouldn’t be watching all this from the other side. Watching me and helping me do what’s right. Why would he leave me alone?”

“Do you feel him?”

That stops me. “Yes.”

“Then how are you alone?”

“I never saw his body. I think that’s why I can’t let him go.”

“Anna, I’m going to ask you something that might sound odd, but think about it for a minute. Where is Hap?”

Where? She’s the psychic. Then it comes to me. He’s inside me. I hear him all the time. All his lessons. His voice. “Here.”

She looks down at her feet, still in slippers. Clutching the robe around her, she gazes at me with a level of directness that nearly takes my breath away. “The people we love never leave us, Anna. You know that already. That’s what I mean by spirit. I mean love.”

(sixty-nine)

I spend one more day in Mendocino. One long day—a map without edges. I walk out to the headlands in a cold wind to look at the wild sea, the Point Cabrillo light swinging toward me, then away. I go to Covelo Street and stand in front of Hap and Eden’s house, wondering if it could ever be big enough to hold everyone and me, too, whole or not, missing or newly found. Our stars flickering on and on. Our souls and the shapes they make trying to find one another in the dark.

I go to Evergreen Cemetery with handfuls of ferns in a small ceramic vase. I go to Rotary Park to find Lenore and Clay packing to return to Denver, and clearly happy to see me. I give them my home number in San Francisco, then drive to the Curtises’ to say goodbye to Emily and Cameron, hoping they’ll agree to let me visit again soon.