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Back When the Stars Go Dark Save as PDF
Chapters (83)
  1. Epigraph
  2. Maps
  3. (prologue)
  4. Part 1: Signs and Vapors
  5. (one)
  6. (two)
  7. (three)
  8. (four)
  9. (five)
  10. (six)
  11. (seven)
  12. (eight)
  13. (nine)
  14. (ten)
  15. (eleven)
  16. (twelve)
  17. Part 2: Secret Things
  18. (thirteen)
  19. (fourteen)
  20. (fifteen)
  21. (sixteen)
  22. (seventeen)
  23. (eighteen)
  24. (nineteen)
  25. (twenty)
  26. (twenty-one)
  27. (twenty-two)
  28. (twenty-three)
  29. (twenty-four)
  30. (twenty-five)
  31. (twenty-six)
  32. (twenty-seven)
  33. (twenty-eight)
  34. (twenty-nine)
  35. (thirty)
  36. (thirty-one)
  37. (thirty-two)
  38. (thirty-three)
  39. (thirty-four)
  40. (thirty-five)
  41. (thirty-six)
  42. (thirty-seven)
  43. (thirty-eight)
  44. (thirty-nine)
  45. Part 3: Time and the Maiden
  46. (forty)
  47. (forty-one)
  48. (forty-two)
  49. (forty-three)
  50. (forty-four)
  51. (forty-five)
  52. (forty-six)
  53. (forty-seven)
  54. (forty-eight)
  55. (forty-nine)
  56. (fifty)
  57. (fifty-one)
  58. (fifty-two)
  59. (fifty-three)
  60. Part 4: The Bent Grove
  61. (fifty-four)
  62. (fifty-five)
  63. (fifty-six)
  64. (fifty-seven)
  65. (fifty-eight)
  66. (fifty-nine)
  67. (sixty)
  68. (sixty-one)
  69. (sixty-two)
  70. (sixty-three)
  71. (sixty-four)
  72. (sixty-five)
  73. (sixty-six)
  74. (sixty-seven)
  75. (sixty-eight)
  76. (sixty-nine)
  77. (seventy)
  78. Dedication
  79. (acknowledgments)
  80. (author’s note)
  81. BY PAULA MCLAIN
  82. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  83. What’s next onyour reading list?

“Brendan had the day off. He took Matthew over to his sister’s house while Sarah was napping. I—” My voice breaks, but I make myself go on. “I’d been working on a big case for weeks and wanted to use the time to follow up on a few leads. When Sarah woke up, I realized we had no food in the house for dinner, so I put her in the car and strapped her in, but then the phone rang in the house. I’d been waiting for a call most of the day, about the case. The victim was an infant.” I stop there as if that detail alone explains everything.

“She was in the car,” Tally urges gently. “And you went inside to get the phone.”

“I shouldn’t have left her there,” I explain raggedly. “But it was only for a second. I could see her through the front window in her car seat.”

“The phone call rattled you, though,” she guesses. Or maybe it’s not a guess. Maybe she already knows all of this somehow in whatever way that knowing has come to her.

“It was my partner calling. The stepmother of the baby we’d found murdered had confessed. I’d interviewed her twice myself, but I hadn’t seen it. I couldn’t believe it. I just froze there, spinning on my mistake.”

“And you took your eyes off of Sarah.”

“Just for a minute. Not even that.” The last word is a strangled croak. I take a deep breath so I can go on, pinching my eyes shut. “I’d left the car door open so I could see her better. She got out of her car seat somehow. I didn’t even know she could do that. She was only two and a half.”

“I’m so sorry, Anna. What a thing to live through.”

Have I lived through it? Sometimes I’ve wondered. Is this living, reckoning with my guilt every day? Being without my family? My son?

I open my eyes. “The car was parked in our driveway at an angle. I only looked away for a second and then I heard an awful sound outside. Our neighbor Joyce had backed into the street from her own driveway and Sarah was there.” Now that I’ve said everything, I feel almost numb. Vacant. There’s nothing to hide, anymore. No secrets to keep.

“Oh, Anna.” Tally’s eyes are kind. “It was an accident. A terrible accident.”

“For Joyce, maybe. She had no idea Sarah was there, but I was responsible for her. I’m her mother.” The blank feeling inside me expands, as if I’m being swallowed alive, from the inside out. “She died instantly. She was so small.”

“A thing like that could have happened to anyone.”