He pushes me onto my back on the bench. The wood is spiky and rough. He presses his cheek to mine and I can see a lump of wax in his ear, making me want to gag. I close my eyes. I let it happen. I focus on the ringing in my head and the sounds of the party, even though every part of me wants to scream, “STOP!”. The song playing is Madonna, ‘Like a Virgin’. The irony is not lost on me. I know that I will never be able to listen to this song again.

But I don’t say a word. I don’t say yes. I don’t say no. I let him carry on. He doesn’t hesitate. He rushes on as though he’s worried I’ll stop him at any second.

At one point I see a flash of light behind my eyelids, but I ignore it because I know that if I open my eyes, I will panic and it’s too late now. It’s happening.

It will be over soon. I sob, but it comes out like a moan.

He says, “Yeah baby.”

Then it is over. Those few minutes felt like hours. He is slumped on top of me, heavy, sweaty despite the cold, his skin sticking to mine. I can’t breathe beneath him. I push him away, fix my bikini top, which is garrotting me, straighten my bikini bottom from where it has been pushed aside, cutting into my skin. My hands are shaking.

I get to my feet, don’t look back as I walk straight back into the pool house, my head held high. Knowing eyes turn to me, the word travelling fast on loose tongues. The sounds of the party seem to hush momentarily, but I ignore them all. I climb into the pool and dive underwater, swim as far as I can before my lungs start to burn. I come up for air, turn around and do the same again in the other direction. Then I climb from the water, dripping wet, my hair now plastered to my head and mascara probably running down my cheeks. I find the nearest cup of alcohol and neck it, then go in search of more.

I pass El, who is smirking. “I can’t believe you just did that,” she says.

“Fuck off, Eloise.”

When I come back out of the storeroom with a full cup of vodka, I look over to where Tracey is still sitting on the lounger, her body at a strange angle that does not look comfortable. She tries to get to her feet, but the lounger tips up and she seems to collapse in on herself. She slides into the deep end of the pool, as if in slow motion. People around her start snorting with laughter and pointing.