Women, in particular, were expected to mold themselves to fit their husbands’ expectations, and those who had marriage trouble were asked by therapists if they were keeping themselves attractive enough. (Freud’s theory of “penis envy” was twisted to imply that women who chased after male privileges would soon wear themselves out.)111 Men, meanwhile, were expected to display their manliness and wealth. Many unwed mothers gave up their children for adoption or risked being ostracized.112 Women who didn’t want this life, Coontz writes, were pitied.113

As Coontz explained it to me:

Countless short stories of the day told the tale of a girl who was just too serious about school to get a man’s attention, with the trick ending that she had only enrolled in the class because she thought he would like it if she shared his interests. The happy ending was when she admitted she didn’t like or understand chemistry but had wrongly believed that pretending to be interested in it would make her interesting to him.

People were getting married young. In the postwar economy, men tended to be breadwinners, and women stayed home. It was easier for society to funnel young women toward demure Stepford-wifery than to help them figure out if they’re a Carrie or a Samantha.

“Remember your most important job is to build up and maintain his ego,” Edward Podolsky advises wives in his 1943 book, Sex Today in Wedded Life.114 “Don’t bother your husband with petty troubles and complaints when he comes home from work…Be a good listener. Let him tell you his troubles; yours will seem trivial in comparison.”

By being the perfect companion, a good wife or girlfriend could help the couple achieve that midcentury nirvana, conventionality. Fascinating Womanhood, a 1965 bestseller, told married women they should aim to be “the perfect follower.”115 Betty Cornell’s Teen-Age Popularity Guide, published in 1951, advises that “you have only to fit yourself to the mood of your partner” when at a dance. “You’ll always find that you get along better and are better liked if you abide by the standard procedure.”116 How to Pick a Mate,117 published in 1946, advised that women let men do most of the talking and try to “fall in with whatever mood he is in.” If a man has an idea about a place to go on a date, you should “enthusiastically accept” it. Clifford Rose Adams, the book’s coauthor, urged young people to ask themselves things like, “Will this mate bring you social approval?,” noting that “you want a mate that other people will like, that other people will admire and respect.” Another important question, according to Adams:118