In college and high school, she noticed that many women had low self-esteem. Women would do anything to stay attractive so they could boost their marriage prospects and lead the kind of life that was “expected” by society. Mary felt called to give them another option, to let full-figured women live a life that’s unexpected, if that’s what they wanted.

If she had been naturally skinny, Mary reasoned, she probably wouldn’t have had much of a career—or at least, not such a significant one. This way, she made a difference. More than being thin, she said, “I wanted to make the world better for other women.”

What I heard from Mary was what I heard over and over again from nonconformists: they were driven by a desire to improve the lot of others. After being picked on, marginalized, and sometimes outright insulted, they reflected their hurt feelings back as positive change. In small ways, making life better for others helped nonconformists ameliorate their own exclusion.

Vivienne, Part II

As she sat in the back of the old Suburban with the gun in her hand, Vivienne began questioning her choice to end it all. A revelation pierced the clouds of her mind. Though it was true she wasn’t happy, she also started to think that happiness, maybe, wasn’t the point.

She was reminded of her father, who always encouraged his children to lead a “life of substance.” Vivienne decided that night that her goal should be improving other people’s lives. She put the gun down and called her parents to tell them where she was really living.

She took a job at an abalone farm, living in the back of a rotting building with a caved-in roof. After a few months, she re-enrolled in school. She flipped a coin to choose between majors—neuroscience or economics—and neuroscience won. Taking seven classes per quarter, she finished her degree in one year and graduated with honors.

For years after she finished college, however, something still pestered Vivienne’s psyche. She continued to feel ill at ease, wracked by insomnia and social anxiety.

In 2004, she met an attractive PhD student named Norma Chang, and they fell in love and moved in together. “I have a deep, dark secret,” she told Norma. “Maybe someday I’ll share it.”

About three years later, as they were getting ready for bed one fall evening, Vivienne said, “My secret is that I wish I were a woman.” That night, Vivienne slept soundly for the first time in twenty years.

Vivienne told Norma she would only transition if Norma would stay with her; Norma was more important.