Albert ‘Waiting vor vather.’

Ned I didn’t zay it like that, ya little runt.

Albert Runt? It takes one ta know one.

Ned Enjoy your last few minutes with that horse.

Albert ‘Waiting vor vather, waiting vor vather.’ Thass a runt talking if ever I –

Ned throws himself at Albert. They tussle, then wrestle, inexpertly. To both their surprise, Albert ends up on top, about to whop Ned.

Albert Yes? Yes?

Ned No!

Enter Carter and villagers.

Carter Albert Narracott. Get off him. Bad as yer father.

Albert gets off Ned.

Enter Arthur, Ted and Rose.

Arthur Let the horse plough straight from ’ere to ’ere.

Ted No, from ’ere to ’ere.

Carter Split the difference.

Ted Agreed. To ’ere.

Arthur That ain’t the difference. To ’ere.

Ted To there, then.

Carter Agreed?

Ted You can see my stake, Warren, it’s standing there in front of you, but where’s yours?

Arthur Thirty-nine guineas. Here.

A cleft stick in the ground. The money in a bag in the cleft.

Rose Good luck, you two.

Joey lines up. Albert cracks the whip but immediately shouts:

Whoa! … (or whatever sound he uses).

Joey stops.

My vault. My vault. Valse start.

Carter Valse start.

Albert sets everything again and, instead of using the whip, he uses Joey’s name and other encouraging sounds, and, with much less struggle than before Joey keeps level and keeps his footing.

Ted and Rose begin to hope … The Warrens are incredulous … also the villagers.

Rose Come on, Joey, come on, boy!

Ted Good boy, Joey. Good boy!

Albert You’re nearly there, Joey! You’re nearly there!

The villagers start rooting for Joey.

Rose Go on, go on …

Joey succeeds in ploughing the furrow.

Ted Yes! Yes!

Ted snatches the winnings.

Rose Well done! Well done, Joey! And well done, Albert! Well done, both of you.

Ted I won!

Albert gets up on Joey’s back and parades victoriously.

Arthur Fluke! Absolute fluke! Clear and sheer fluke!

Rose Not true, Arthur. Albert won fair and square.

Ted Your money in my hand!

A peal of church bells stops everyone in their tracks. Carter takes over.

Carter Listen, everyone, listen! You all know what that means … The Kaiser has refused to withdraw his armies from Belgium … We are now at war with Germany!

Enthusiastic crowd reaction.

All men in the Yeomanry raise their hands. You men will be mobilised and sent over there with the regular army to sort the Kaiser out and be back in time for tea.

Crowd laughter.

But seriously. Good luck, men. Our thoughts and hearts go with you. And now, more formally, I have to announce that by the powers invested in me I hereby declare that now the British Empire is at war with Germany the government has declared that in the defence of the realm it is henceforth illegal to: keep, carry or fly homing pigeons; fly kites; signal by searchlight and semaphore; display lights, fireworks or fires; and no bells to be rung until the war is ended.