True, I’d never known he was passing, but just because he could hide his colour it wasn’t right he felt he should have to. Lucien would know what to say, but I didn’t. I could see why Barky felt like he did. I disagreed, but I didn’t yet have the words to say why. Barky rose to go to bed. At the door, he spoke, his voice flat and determined.

‘You won’t say a word about what you learnt tonight, Zillah. Others have thought about it.’

At the threat my temper flared – but like a match, no sooner struck than burnt out. Barky was forty if he was a day. Maybe even older. It was a long time to keep a secret like that. I wondered what it was worth to him; who were these others that had attempted to expose him?

For a long time, I sat before the fire mulling over what Barky had said. The candle burnt low and it was only when it went out, drowned in its own pool of fat, that I stirred. The fire had gone out too, but as I sat down on the easy chair and wrapped a blanket around me, I knew that wasn’t the reason I was chilled. Barky wasn’t playing. Next chance I got, I’d tell Lucien to keep clear of him.

XXIX

Farewell Performance

Wednesday morning dawned and I walked to Crillick’s with a sense of purpose. Every day for the past few weeks I’d dragged my feet, paused to look in shop windows, taken the long way round, and all to avoid my growing awareness of what I did when I played Amazonia. Today was different. If everything went according to plan, it would be my final performance. By the time the curtain went down, ten days since I’d first seen her, the Leopard Lady would be well on her way to freedom and me not too far behind her.

When I arrived at the theatre, I took care to hide my excitement from my fellow performers. I didn’t want to make them suspicious, but there was one person I did want to see. Ellen and I had not spoken since she’d caught me coming out of Crillick’s box. Yesterday she’d cried off rehearsals, sent a note in with Mikey to say that she was ill, but if she cared enough to avoid me, it was worth a shot to try and end things on a good note. She didn’t deserve it really, not after what she’d called me, but now I was leaving I could afford to be the bigger person and I wanted to make it clear that nothing had happened between Crillick and me.