A finish ma joint n ping it intae ma neighbour’s garden. The phone goes n A’m still dreamin as A answer. It’s Danny. ‘Awright, son,’ he croaks.

‘You sound fucked, mate. Yi on-it last night, ya cunt?’

‘Aye, man. Amanda came doon n we drank a litre ae vodka. You gawn tae Gunny’s empty?’

‘Aye fuck! Any shaggin last night?’

‘Rambo git a knife, son?’

‘Ir the burds comin tae Gunny’s?’

‘Azzy, furget Monica, mate! Git intae Patricia! She’s fuckin gorjis n A dunno how but she’s keen on yi – it’s obvious. Monica’s a stuck up wee cow! How long you been tryin tae batter intae her noo?’

‘Monica’s a decent lassie, man. Everycunt tries tae go wae Patricia. She’s high maintenance material! Know wit A mean?!’

‘Gonnae start callin you big Azzy the virgin!’

‘Aye witever, mate! You stick tae sleepin in between Amanda’s wee chicken legs like a good wee fuckin dug!’

‘Mate, A’m ir a dug! Always chasin pussies!’

‘Naw, yir always chewin somecunt’s bone, ya cunt!’

‘Listen, Alan! You git wan ae them pumped the night! Or yir fuckin gay!’

‘Aye, aye, we’ll see. You away back tae playin dolls wae Barbie. A wis more intae Action Man!’

‘Listen, mate. You, Action Man and King Billy aw took it up the shiter! So shut it!’

‘Right, A’ll see yi later, Don Juan!’

A go roon fur Danny n Amanda vanishes oot the door n starts the walk ae shame up the road. Danny rolls his eyes soon as hur back is turned. She’s more Medusa than Barbie the day. A nod hello n she glares n disappears. ‘Yass! Thank fuck she’s away, man! Wee heed nip!’

We’re walkin doon towards the shop fur our bottles when A hear a wolf whistle behind us. It’s Gemma Carmichael n Big Rose. A wave n the two ae them walk doon tae meet us. Big Rose is the mental burd oot aw the lassies. Hur name suggests the flowerin heed but she’s more like the jaggy stem. A squad ae lassies came up lookin fur hur, eager tae find oot if she wis as mental as legend hud it. She bounced oot in a tracky n rag-dolled the lot ae them aboot by the hair. A huvnae heard ae anycunt goin wae hur – no that curiosity ever tempted us, cos she wid probably ride yi intae battle. Big Rose is the tap woman awright, nae joke. Goliath ae the fuckin burds.

Rose makes like she’s gonnae punch us. A assume the defensive boxer’s position. ‘Azzy! Ya wee dick! You’ll git punched aboot!’ she shouts.

‘Hiya, Gemma,’ Danny says, smiling.

Danny’s always tryin tae hit hur wae the patter. Gemma is wan ae the elder burds, a wee stunnin ginger. Cunts always chase her. She wid chat away tae me but cos A never tried tae go wae hur. That’s the secret tae the elder burds. Just be cool n they’ll chat back n batter intae you, if they’re interested at aw. Gemma is an absolute stunner but. She hangs aboot wae elder cunts n only appears wae the troops sometimes.